Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Dowd Obession Fuels Referendum's 2-to-1 Defeat

FITS' correspondents have uncovered the dark truth behind the overwhelmingly successful "Vote NO" campaign in the Lexington Richland School District 5 bond referendum ballot held yesterday.

Yup, Ole Wille (I mean me) is (was) at it again. Slick Willie, that is. You heard it hear (here) first: WILL FOLKS was working the "Vote NO" press on the DL (that's "down low," for readers born before 1970).

Guess the hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love question is why in the hell would I (Will Folks) work for a local ballot referendum after "playing" such an instrumental role in electing Gov-nah Mark Sanford in 2002. Isn't that kinda a precipitious "where are they now" type step down? And really, is there anybody's door to kick in and throw into furniture if you lose??? (Oooooo yie yie ... that's Saaaa-MOKIN!!!)

Well, according to the FITS' microphone planted outside Willie's favorite at-work smoke spot (garbage dumpster, Southtrust building garage), turns out the whole she-bang (he-he) was part of Ole Willie's effort to impress a female columnist FITS' staff generally loathes (in the form of her face on a dartboard). Forget your lofty small government, fiscal responsibility or "truth and merits" motivations. No such purity here. Forget that despite outspending our hero Will 10-to-1 and employing the vaunted Chernoff-Sliver-Newman-Gregoire (state's biggest PR firm) to run the vote YAY "campaign," there were no such legitimate David v. Goliath over or undertones at work in this one.

Turns out that, like anything and everything else Will Folks does, the possibility of getting laid was at the heart of his latest undertaking.

"Laurin Manning just made me read some twelve page article by Maureen Dowd," Slik (sic) Willie was overheard saying to some chippy on his cell phone at 11:34 a.m. yesterday morning in the Southtrust Go-rage. "She is so hot. I could care less (that) she is old enough to be my mom. Maybe I could sit in her lap and she could show me all about good touch, bad touch?"

After an ever so brief pause in which Slik (sic) Willie's chippy presumably said something, the recording picks up Will Folks' inEmmitt-able voice again.

"I have to do something to impress her," Folks says. "She wears leopard print shirts under black suits and occasionally red pumps and fishnet. And pearls. How strong is that? I know ... I am going to secure her love and affections by winning the Lexington Richland School District 5 bond referendum vote and writing a Sorkin-esque screenplay about how I did it. Didn't she date Aaron Sorkin once?"

Final vote totals on the "proposed but Slick Will disposed of" referendum were 9,490 (67.3%) against the referendum, 4,598 (32.7%) for it.

"I fear Will is quickly moving into the John Hinckley, Jr. realm," noted state psychiatrist Buddle B. Fuddle said. "Maureen's delicious milky white breasts not withstanding."

I am sure you will hear Will Folks bragging about his intrinsically pure motivations and what a worthy cause this was for his firm to take on "pro-boner" (WHOOPS, we meant "pro-bono"), but now you know the truth and besides, I AM WILL FOLKS.


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