Jesus to Aid USC - Threatens Tigers With Rapture
In a rare interview with the Son of our Lord, FITS has learned that Jesus Christ himself will be tuning into the USC-Clemson game Saturday - scheduled to be televised at 7:00 p.m. on ESPN 2. The game was originally available only on a pay-per-view basis, that is until ESPN executives announced Tuesday that they had decided to pick it up. Jesus confirmed that a measure of divine intervention was at hand.
"I spoke with my Father and we agreed that this game needed to be televised," Jesus said. "It's the 103rd meeting of a celebrated in-state rivalry, both teams are going bowling and hell, after last year's brawl, it's a no-brainer from a ratings standpoint."
Jesus also admitted he has a favorite in the Carolina-Clemson rivalry - The Gamecocks.
"The Tigers are basically a bunch of Miami-like thugs," the Holy Christ said. "And that Bowden guy? What a tool-rod. They are definitely all going to hell. Straight to friggin' hell."
Perplexed, FITS asked the Savior of the World why it was, then, that Clemson seemed to get most of the series' breaks - particularly officiating breaks - if his omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotence was on the side of the Gamecocks.
"Well Satan has pulled a couple of fast ones over the years," Jesus shot back. "In fact, Rod Gardner's push-off that let Clemson beat USC back in 2001 was a perfect example. I was responsible for the D-line on that play, God himself was in charge of the linebackers and the Holy Spirit was supposed to take care of business in the secondary. Well, Satan poured all of his evil into making sure that one play broke his way, and I guess we didn't play as a Trinity when push came to shove."
Jesus said there would be no similar hiccups in Saturday's game owing to the budding relationship between the Holy Trinity and new USC Coach Steve Spurrier.
"Coach Spurrier really has us playing within ourselves and letting the game come to us," said the infallible Son of the Alpha and the Omega. "God has beefed up the linebacking corps and Ko Simpson is really letting the Holy Spirit work in his heart back there in the secondary."
Asked for a prediction, Jesus said that while He obviously knew what the score would be, He did not want to encourage the sin of gambling by revealing it in advance.
"The Cocks will pull it out," He of the Virgin Birth unequivocally stated. "Sidney Rice? Come on. The kid is a stud. We made him, too, so we know what he's capable of. In fact, my Father and I were watching film of him from his upcoming sophomore year last night. Wait till you see what he does next year. Unreal."
Like the Tigers, FITS may be condemned to hell ourselves for printing the Holy One's comments without clarifying first that the conversation was on the record, but then again if anybody should know the rules of journalism it's Jesus, and we were going to hell anyway because after all WE ARE WILL FOLKS.