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Monday, November 28, 2005

Legislators Pre-File Bills for 2006 Session


While they were snoozin’ at the State, pickin’ their nose at the Post and Courier, noddin’ off at the (Greenville) News, FITS – your real information source – has gotten the scoop and compiled an exhaustive list of all the pre-filed bills headed into what is sure to be an action-packed 1896 session of the South Carolina General Assembly. Wait a minute, it’s the 2006 session. Rep. Skipper Perry (pictured) did not pre-file any bills given a reinflammation of his chronic tetter, but no matter, just take a look at the harvest of possible laws to come!!!

And remember to sing the "I'm just a bill ..." song while you read!!

PRE-FILED BILLS IN THE HOUSE

Rep. John Graham Altman has pre-filed a bill that would permanently duct-tape his mouth shut during interviews with female WIS-TV reporters.

Rep. Nathan Ballentine has pre-filed a bill reducing the size of his abnormally large head and inserting a supplemental appropriation of brain matter to enlarge his abnormally small mind.

Rep. Joan Brady has pre-filed a bill devoting sales tax revenue from any additional cosmetic surgery she may undergo to the Base Student Cost. The BEA has certified $85.4 million in first-year revenue alone.

Rep. Harry Cato has pre-filed a bill that would make him more interesting.

Rep. Catherine Ceips has pre-filed a bill that would make her more attractive.

Reps. Ken Clark and Alan Clemmons have pre-filed a bill that would force all females in South Carolina to attend a “Bald is Beautiful” rally once a year in each of their House districts and wear “I’m with Baldy” shirts during subsequent wet T-Shirt contests.

Rep. Dan Cooper has pre-filed a bill requiring all South Carolinians to join his Anderson County constituents in filling their hats with aluminum foil so as to block the government’s “brainwashing” thought control laser-guided mind waves.

Rep. Bill Cotty has pre-filed a bill that would immediately make all Democrats Republicans, and vice versa. He has also drafted enabling legislation that, in part, reads “Dogs and cats living together, Mass Hysteria!!” from his favorite film, Ghostbusters.

Rep. Laurie Slade-Funderburk has pre-filed a bill that would make her the only member of the General Assembly allowed to wear fabric that resembles furniture coverings.

Rep. Jerry Govan has pre-filed a bill that would remove the Confederate Flag from the State House grounds, where he would then be authorized to wet it, roll it up like a towel and pop Rep. Jim Harrison repeatedly on the bottom with it.

Rep. Jim Harrison has pre-filed a bill that would keep Rep. Jerry Govan from coming within 50 yards of him.

Rep. Bobby Harrell has pre-filed a bill that would give everybody anything they want, all the time.

Rep. Becky Martin has pre-filed a bill that someone else will have to explain to her and then tell her how she should vote once it comes to the floor.

Rep. Harry Ott has pre-filed a bill that requires everyone in the General Assembly to bow when passing him on the escalators.

Rep. Todd Rutherford has pre-filed a bill that would require Beyonce to leave Jay-Z and come roll wit him in da Beamer. Yo.

Rep. Bill Sandifer has pre-filed a bill that would make him 20% less freaky to look at. Co-sponsoring from the Democratic side of the aisle is Rep. Ted Vick.

Rep. James Smith has pre-filed a bill that would require every newspaper in the state to continue kissing his ass no matter how asinine or illogical his comments and arguments may be.

Rep. Ronnie Townsend has pre-filed a bill that would turn control of the Governor’s Office over to the Department of Education. Co-sponsoring is Rep. Bob Walker.

Rep. Dan Tripp has pre-filed a bill that would formally change the title “Speaker of the House” to “Mayor of Importantville.”

Rep. Thad Viers has pre-filed a bill that would prohibit members of the General Assembly and lobbyists from calling him “Flounder” any more.

Rep. Annette Young has pre-filed a bill that would officially change South Carolina’s State Beverage from Milk to Dewar’s White Label Scotch. She has also pre-filed an amendment to the .08 DUI legislation substituting .30 as the blood alcohol content level to be applied whenever she is pulled over.

PRE-FILED BILLS IN THE SENATE

Sen. Thomas Alexander has pre-filed “Bald is Beautiful” legislation identical to Reps. Clark and Clemmons, only the wet T-shirt competitions will be moved out of Oconee County to Jakie Knotts’ and Kermit LaForce’s Lexington County strip club.

Sen. Chip Campsen has pre-filed a bill authorizing a study to determine if he could possibly become any more irrelevant if he tried.

Sen. John Courson has pre-filed a bill authorizing a study to determine ways he can further ingratiate himself within the bosom of the liberal education bureaucracy.

Sen. John Drummond has pre-filed a bill alerting him and Grady Patterson to their immediate surroundings.

Sen. Mike Fair has pre-filed a bill that would require everyone to “Spend a Day with Jesus.”

Sen. Robert (I)Ford has pre-filed a bill that would require everyone to “Spend a Day with Jesse.”

Sen. Brad Hutto has pre-filed a bill that would reduce the sales taxes on his favorite “Just for Men” products (kudos to sic Willie for this one!)

Sen. Darrell Jackson has pre-filed a bill requiring Andre “Ice Cold” 3000 and Big Boi from Outkast to re-record their hit song “Miss Jackson,” substituting “I’m Sorry Darrell Jackson” in the chorus.

Sen. Jakie Knotts has pre-filed a bill requiring all rising South Carolina sixth-graders to “rassle with a damn hog” over the summer in order to be admitted to middle school.

Sen. John Land has pre-filed a bill authorizing the expenditure of $20 million to improve the acoustics in the Senate Chamber so that he can better hear himself talk.

Sen. Hugh Leatherman has pre-filed companion legislation to Speaker Bobby Harrell’s House bill giving everybody anything they want, all the time – only the Senate version of the bill automatically increases expenditures on top of this by three times whatever personal income growth was in South Carolina the previous year.

Sen. Phil Leventis has pre-filed a bill that would allow him to single-handedly filibuster any piece of legislation he wants for as long as he wants even if every other member of the Senate just wants him to sit down and shut up. Co-sponsors include Sen. Jake Knotts and Sen. Luke Rankin.

Sen. Joel Lourie has pre-filed a bill forcing every member of the General Assembly to shop at his downtown Columbia clothing store while in session. He has also filed an amendment to the campaign finance reform bill requiring Gov. Mark Sanford to apologize for endorsing his opponent, Ken Wingate, and to drop and give him twenty.

Sen. Glenn McConnell has pre-filed a bill that would void the surrender of Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia and devote the entire state budget to building a fleet of rebel submarines designed to “ram them damn Yankees back upriver.”

Sen. Greg Ryberg has pre-filed a bill authorizing a study to determine if he can stick his nose any further up Governor Mark Sanford’s behind. He also offered an amendment objecting strenuously to Sen. McConnell’s bill, seeing as he is a “damn Yankee” himself.

Sen. Nikki Setzler has pre-filed a bill that would make “I’m Gonna Git U Sucka” the official film of the State of South Carolina.

Sen. Verne Smith has pre-filed a bill that would require the golf cart driver who totes his rotund old behind from the Senate building up to the State House everyday during session to “waaach eeet fo all da lil’ chil-ren, whose goin' ta waach eeet fo all da lil’ chil-ren.”

Sure sounds like legislation sic Willie would like … but then again WE ARE WILL FOLKS.

11 Comments:

Blogger HabberPlabb said...

I don't know some of these guys, but you seem to have them pretty well pegged. My favorite is the Annette Young bill! Very clever!

1:07 PM

 
Blogger Palmetto Neocon said...

you are doing better FITS. I laughed out loud on the Jakie Knotts, and the Glenn McConnell ones. "Thats funny there, I don't care who you are." Major props on this post from the PN.

1:13 PM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

i am very glad you enjoyed it PN. now drop and give me twenty (posts, that is).

2:16 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on Will, the tin-foil hat joke is Michael Thompson. Cooper's should have something to do with a fire truck.

11:08 AM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

Michael Thompson? Didn't he play for the Lakers?

3:26 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, techically that would be Mychal Thompson.

But the real question is, why wasn't he making LA dollars??

4:10 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You missed Gary Simrill's priviso: giving legislator's a pay raise so he can afford to get a better haircut.

9:27 AM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

Thanks, anon! Great idea. Maybe Clemmons and Clark's bill could be amended to appropriate some haircut money to the good Representative?

11:45 AM

 
Anonymous Cooper said...

Actually I had the tin foil thing before Micahel was born. Hope this job is paying well

3:08 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah...people in high places do troll the blogs.

4:47 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Rep. Catherine Ceips has pre-filed a bill that would make her more attractive." ROFLMAO!

I heard Rep. Scarborough is getting a divorce because the Missus caught him cheating with Ceips! Ceips is married, too!

No wonder they had been spending all of that time together!

6:46 PM

 

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