Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sanford Refuses to Spare Thanksgiving Turkey

It was supposed to be the launch of a new South Carolina Thanksgiving tradition. It ended up being the latest in a string of recent public relations debacles for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

FITS has learned that new Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer, presumably in an effort to stop the recent bleeding his boss has suffered in the press, organized a South Carolina version of the President's annual pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey. The plan was simple - bring two birds into the governor's office, write up a witty press release and Thanksgiving Day proclamation, then have His Excellency the Governor "pardon" one of the animals and ship it off to a life of leisure at a local petting zoo.

"Great politics," said Francis Marion political scientist Neal Thigpen. "Or at least it should have been."

As it happened, everything was going along smoothly until it was time for Sanford to actually pardon the bird. Turns out, the governor - in addition to having his legendary frugality offended by giving something away for free - suddenly became more than just a tad peckish (that means "hungry" for those of you who received your public education here in South Carolina).

"I can't do this," Sanford abruptly announced to the assembled press corps. "The taxpayers' aren't going to see a dime of that petting zoo revenue and besides, I haven't eaten lunch yet."

Crumpling the Executive Order pardoning the turkey and summarily dispatching it to the waste bin of good media ideas, the governor then proceeded to have both turkeys returned to their cages, ordering them shipped to the Governor's Mansion for "preparation."

"Now we got turkey sandwiches for lunch AND Thanksgiving dinner," Sanford said. "Ya'll come on over and dig in - but it's BYOC, remember."

Sawyer, left speechless at Sanford's latest self-inflicted public relations reverse, was momentarily unable to clarify the governor's BYOC reference, which FITS later discovered means "Bring Your Own Condiments."

"Governor Sanford is becoming more and more out of touch with the people of South Carolina," said State Sen. Joel Lourie. "This makes you wonder what he really did with those cute little piglets Pork and Barrel."

"The governor fully supports the concept of pardoning turkeys for Thanksgiving," Sawyer said. "Unfortunately, since the legislature failed to incorporate a revenue-sharing plan allowing the state to receive a percentage of this turkey's petting zoo proceeds, the governor was left with no choice but to eat him."

FITS attempted to contact sic Willie to see what he thought of his old boss's latest media stumble, but alas our hero was unavailable - typing away at this blog since, after all, WE ARE WILL FOLKS.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice post. Where'd you get the picture of Sanford and the turkey?

3:02 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will Folks, of all people, should know that the Governor has already spared one turkey, HIM!

Despite Mr. Folks public comments to the contrary, I would have bounced his sorry behind out to the curb a long, long time ago.

I think Will should find some other way to make a living - like putting an empty coffee cup next to him as he sleeps on public benches.

2:18 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

shouldn't the tag line on each post be "I am confessed fiancee-beater Will Folks?"

1:12 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or maybe it should say "I am Will Folks: the guy who lies to and cheats on every girl I have ever gone out with."

3:07 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Well, well, well. Another lover scorned?

2:45 PM


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