Tuesday, December 20, 2005

All I Want for Christmas is ...

FITS is proud to release our inaugural installment of "All I Want for Christmas is ..." an extensive list of what South Carolina's legislators, lobbyists, bloggers, State House staffers, candidates and other political animals are looking for under their Christmas trees this holiday season:

Paul Adams, "Queer as Folks" blogger ... his anonymity back.

Rep. John Graham Altman ... 10 rolls of duct tape for his mouth. Wait a second, better make that 100.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer ... additional opportunities to exploit old people for his own personal, political gain and plenty of teeth-whitener and hair gel so he can look good doing it.

Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper ... a shiny new red fire truck for every House district and some shaving cream and a razor for his totalitarian moustache.

Sen. John Courson ... a monument on the State House grounds to his dog, Goldwater.

(Sic Willie) Folks ... a website with enough bandwidth to house his enormous ego.

John Frank, Reporter, Post and Courier ... for people to stop playing with his hair after appearing on the "Who's Hot at the State House" Top 10 list.

"Goldwater (Sen. Courson's dog)" ... lots of Milkbones and a name more consistent with his pappy's political ideology, like "Carter" or "Clinton."

Secretary of State Mark Hammond ... lots of really stupid tax cheats.

Speaker Bobby Harrell ... nothing, he's already Santa Claus (just ask the House Democratic Caucus).

Sen. Brad Hutto ... stock in 'Just for Men' and a national championship for his beloved Georgetown Hoyas.

SC Small Business Chamber President Frank Knapp ... membership roles that aren't inflated.

Sen. Jakie Knotts ... Lexington County pork and Ultra ultra ultra ultra Slim-Fast.

Sen. John Land ... SC's unemployment rate reaching 8% and him in front of a bank of TV cameras.

Sen. Hugh Leatherman ... a reversal of political trends in South Carolina enabling him to return to his rightful place of prominence in the Democratic Party.

Dr. Oscar Lovelace, GOP candidate for governor ... a campaign based on something other than raising taxes and a once-potent political consultant's transparent personal vendetta.

Queen of SC Blogosphere Laurin Manning ... a press agent to handle her newfound celebrity.

Rep. Harry Ott ... a seat on the powerful Ways & Means committee (wait a minute ... looks like Santa Barrel came early!!!)

State Treasurer Grady Patterson ... the ability to manage all of South Carolina's finances and investments from the "Gentle Oaks" retirement home.

State Treasurer Trav Roberston ... for people to stop coming up to him, nodding their heads vigorously and saying, "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."

Gov. Mark Sanford ... a communications shop.

Joel Sawyer, Press Secretary, Governor's Office ... a sense of humor.

SC Democratic Party ... anonymous web servers.

SC Republican Party ... Legislative candidates that actually resemble Republicans.

Rod Shealy, Sr. ... a soul.

Rod Shealy, Jr. ... a brain.

Clara Smith, Lobbyist ... black fishnets and Billy Idol's "Rob the Cradle" video to practice her dance moves.

Sen. Verne Smith ... an air-conditioned golf cart with running boards, hydraulics and sirens and a BPS escort to the State House each legislative day.

The State Newspaper editorial board ... for everyone to stop thinking independently and just do whatever they say.

Former Rep. Harry Stille ... a year's supply of "Soul-Glo."

Ryberg for Treasurer Campaign Manager Terry Sullivan ... a filter.

Rep. Michael Thompson ... a lifetime subscription to Maxim magazine.

U.S. Ambassador to Canada David H. Wilkins ... a return airplane ticket to someplace where it's warm, he's someone important and nobody speaks French.

Wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends of FITS' "Who's Hot at the State House?" honorees ... no more "Who's Hot at the State House?" lists.

Rep. Annette Young ... Dewar's White Label from everyone on her Christmas list!



Blogger Laurin Manning said...

Best post of the year. Hands down. I had to stop guffawing before I was fit to type this comment!!!! Well done, FITS!!!!

2:53 PM

Blogger Queer as Folks said...

I've been outed..."damn". Great post. Merry Christmas to all.

Stay Puff in 06!!!

7:48 PM

Blogger Frank said...

I know I always say substance, but I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Bravo!

1:38 PM


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