Thursday, December 29, 2005

Bauer's Brain Judged "Minimally Adequate"

In a side ruling to the long-awaited "equity funding" lawsuit decision released last night, Judge Thomas W. Cooper, Jr., has determined that Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer's brain is "minimally adequate" for the limited responsibilities that go with being the Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina.

"The Court concludes that the mental faculties in (Bauer's) brain are sufficent to provide the opportunity for South Carolinians to have a minimally adequate Lieutenant Governor," Judge Cooper wrote in his side ruling. "The fact that a highly-trained chimpanzee could also discharge the duties of this office as it is currently configured is beside the point."

Elected in 2003, Bauer has worn a purple robe, banged a gavel, been pulled over at gunpoint by cops for reckless driving and been involved in a shady land deal. His only real success has been "transforming" the State Office on Aging into his own political re-election campaign. In fact, Cooper's ruling would likely have sent shock waves through retirement homes all across South Carolina had it been issued prior to "lights out."

"I'm obviously disappointed in the timing of the ruling," Bauer told FITS. "My people are difficult to mobilize at any hour, let alone after they've taken their post-dinner Jell-O."

Bauer was pleasantly surprised, however, to hear that the ruling in fact found him to be "minimally adequate."

"We weren't takin' nothin' for granted on that one," Bauer said. "I figgured it was a fifty percent chance they'd rule in my favor, probably a fifty-five or sixty percent chance they wouldn't."


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