Wednesday, December 28, 2005

FITS' 2006 New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again, when all the presents have been opened, the last leftover Holiday turkey or ham sandwich has been eaten, the Christmas decorations are headed back to the attic and the daily grind beckons our return to reality with all the shrillness and impertinence of a State Newspaper editorial.

So without further adieu, FITS is proud to unveil its inaugural "2006 New Year's Resolutions," a complete listing of how our favorite South Carolina politicos will be changing their ways in the coming year:

-Rep. John Graham Altman resolves to take WIS-TV reporter Kara Gormley to a candlelit dinner for two at Garibaldi's and wax eloquent and extensive about how smart she is.

-Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer resolves to stop for blue lights, refrain from hitting on purple hat ladies at the S&S Cafeteria and accept fair market value for any land he sells back to the state.

-Gervais S. Bridges resolves to stop blogging about Will Folks ... and actually stick with it this time.

-Clemson University resolves to raise tuition by double digits and add "Gardening for Dummies," "So You Want to Grow a Tiger Lily?" and "What Local 4-H Clubs Have to Do With State Government" to its list of PSA-sponsored publications.

-Rep. Jim Clyburn resolves to never, never, never (ever) have his picture taken in shorts again.

-Lake City Philanthropist Darla Moore resolves to button her lip, enjoy all her money and stop trying to run the state into the ground through Palmetto Institute-sponsored tax increases.

-Democratic Party operatives resolve to master the art of hiding their IP addresses.

-Democratic Party Chairman Joe Erwin resolves to field a full slate of statewide candidates.

-Department of Transportation officials resolve not to record any offensive songs about the Governor and First Lady.

-(Sic Willie) Folks resolves to stop interviewing himself.

-Post and Courier reporter John Frank resolves to get a haircut.

-Speaker Bobby Harrell resolves to read FITS' "Twas the Nite Before Christmas" at the gaveling of every session of the House of Representatives.

-Senate aide John Hazzard resolves to spend as much time focusing on state business as he does playing "11-Ball" at the Back Porch restaurant.

-Rep. Ken Kennedy resolves to start reading legislation before it gets to the House floor where he has to ask a million elementary questions about it.

-Sen. Jakie Knotts resolves to stop visiting Kermit LaForce's "Gentleman's" Club ... at least during the Legislative session.

-Sen. John Land resolves to speak only when he's spoken to.

-All State Legislators resolve to stop asking each other a bunch of infuriatingly leading, mind-numbing "Representative So-and-So, Did you know that ..." questions during debate in the upcoming session.

-Sen. Phil Leventis resolves to stop filibustering.

-Queen of the SC Blogosphere Laurin Manning resolves to run for the SC House, get elected and change the color of the State Flag from blue to turquoise.

-Queer as Folks blogger Paul Adams resolves to learn how to spellcheck and take a punctuation class.

-Treasurer Grady Patterson resolves to do something that five minutes ago he remembered but now has all of a sudden forgotten.

-Sen. Luke Rankin resolves to introduce a bill asking you for your permission first before he starts cutting vital organs out of your body.

-Treasurer Trav Robertson resolves to run his office more efficiently and get a higher rate of return on our state's investments.

-Treasurer wanna-be Sen. Greg Ryberg resolves to campaign on something other than how well he can brown-nose the governor.

-First Lady Jenny Sanford resolves to single-handedly restore South Carolina's AAA Credit rating - and get your lazy butt in shape with some Pilates-approved calisthenics will she does it!

-Governor Mark Sanford resolves to add some all-natural nut extract to his tanning regimen.

-Sanford Spokesman Joel Sawyer resolves to actually call the The Andy Thomas Show back. In return, Andy Thomas resolves to start taking his adult ADD medication.

-Veteran "GOP" political consultant Rod Shealy resolves to only play the race card if his opponent is down by more than thirty points, which given his recent electoral track record is likely.

-Rod Shealy, Jr. resolves to bring his cholesterol level somewhere below Ted Williams' lifetime batting average.

-State Newspaper reporter Aaron Gould Sheinin resolves to keep his sideburns at a reasonable length during the legislative session.

-SC Small Business Chamber President Frank Knapp resolves to count the SC Trial Lawyers Association as ONE member of his organization, and refrain from counting all of its members as his own.

-SC State Ports Authority resolves to stop acting like a bunch of communists and let private companies help pay for long-overdue port expansion in Charleston and Jasper Counties.

-Florence Mayor Frank Willis and Sen. Tommy Moore resolve to jointly offer one idea in their respective campaigns for governor and spend their debates arguing over who came up with it.

GOOD LUCK to all you guys and gals!!! Here's hoping you can keep your New Year's resolutions!!!


Blogger Laurin Manning said...

Methinks someone's jealous of John Frank's adorably frattastic floppy hair!

6:38 PM

Blogger Queer as Folks said...

Ok...we'll work harder on our grammar and learn how to use spell check, isn't that under the tools thing? Happy new year Will. No more jokes, from us. By the way what is 11 ball?

12:35 PM


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