Friday, December 09, 2005

Just Wingin' It

With three-fourths of the FITS crack staff in attendance at yesterday's grand opening of the Northeast Columbia Wild Wing Cafe (myself being the lone exception - no fun!!!), you can bet that the political gossip was flowing as liberally as the free beer and chicken wings. Here's a recap of some of last night's high points as compiled by our industrious team of investigative journalists:

1) Rep. Murrell Smith knows how to throw a great party (Smith is one of the owners of the Northeast Wild Wing). Borrowing the eloquence of the two African-American gentleman sitting outside Eddie Murphy's infamous party in the film "Trading Places," this event was "a stone cold groove, my man."

2) Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" can be played on the accoustic guitar as well as the piano? You're kidding. We've all heard the string quartet adaptation from "The Wedding Singer," but last night's single guitar version was a real treat. The guitarist also performed an impressive, down-tempo version of the Killers' "Mr. Brightside," along with standard accoustic Dave Matthews and John Mayer fare. John Mayer fare ... did we really just say that?

3) Rick Quinn, Republican candidate for Treasurer, magnanimously shook hands with the current occupant of that office, Trav Robertson, who demonstrated his Budget & Control Board "nodding" technique to the great amusement of everyone in attendance. Robertson later broke some bad news to FITS, however, telling us that the Treasurer's Office will be switching to a "one tap for yes, two taps for no" communication system in 2006.

4) FITS has discovered that Laurin Manning, queen of the SC Blogosphere, either knows or is related to every single person in South Carolina.

5) Nobody cruises for chicks better than Mark Sweatman. Yo Sweat-dawg, the boys at FITS will be your wingmen anytime!

6) Our hero sic Willie accidentally transported a tumbler glass from Wild Wing back downtown to the Clubhouse (Sorry, Murrell ... FITS will reimburse you for that!!!)

7) John Hazzard and J.J. Darby were briefly given access to their testacles for the purpose of attending the party, and promptly used said testosterone to engage in a spirited debate over whether or not their wives had given them a "hall pass" or a "yard pass" for the evening. FITS is pleased to report that both were back home before 8:30, lovingly massaging the feet of their respective wives.

8) David Haskins, son of State Rep. Gloria Haskins, consumed 2,321 wings, 812 breaded chicken nuggets and 401 barbeque chicken nuggets - all in just under 14 minutes. He then belched with sufficient force to register a 2.3 on the Richter Scale, according to Clemson PSA researchers.

9) FITS may have been correct in its assumption that there resides inside State House Top Ten Vixen Clara Smith just a little bit of the girl from the Billy Idol video. FITS also learned that the most efficient method of beverage transfer in a crowded bar is to simply pass full glasses over Clara's head to their respective destinations.

10) Speaking of State House Top Ten Girls, no fewer than three were in attendance at last night's gig. In addition to the always-voluptuous Mrs. Smith, No. 5 Lindsey Bonds and No. 7 Sara Hopper were also present, much to the satisfaction of the assembled gentlemen. Hopper, whom FITS' staff noted was looking most curvaceous in tight blue jeans and an even tighter sweater, made quite an impression on our staff. Any babe that can intelligently discuss the dangers inherent in excessive objectification of her babe status is SOLID in our book. Aye Cabana Boy!

Stay tuned ... the FITS 2005 Ultimate Christmas Wishlist, 2006 State House Fashion Preview and much more side-splitting hilarity is coming your way soon! Post your "All this legislator wants for Christmas is ..." comments below and we'll consider them for inclusion the Ultimate Christmas Wishlist!!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

gotta do dan cooper and the fire truck.

3:14 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

You don't think that's too pedestrian, anon? How about something to trim that ridiculous little moustache?

3:15 PM

Blogger Frank said...

FITS, good stuff...

3:15 PM

Blogger Frank said...

Good stuff...haha

3:16 PM

Blogger Frank said...

Good Stff FITS...

3:16 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about Will Folks getting a life? Or becoming straight? Or just shutting up?

3:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of Will Folks and fashion- you should combine the two.

I heard from a friend that Will showed up to pay his respects to Gov. Campbell well underdressed, unshaven, wearing a fleece and cartharts...there is dissention about the footwear but it was also largely inappropriate.

8:41 PM

Blogger Frank said...

Wow, sounds like the FITS staff had a great time...So good in fact that FITS will get a link on Devinely Southern.

6:28 PM

Anonymous seriously said...

Maxim subscription for Michael Thompson.

12:54 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous, your friend's name is Jason (Fort) Puhlaski and we hear sic Willie is wearing the same fleece today. Since when did attacking a guy for what he wore when paying someone his respects become a "thing?"

2:38 PM

Anonymous Krebs said...

After keen observation,I would give 2 lowcountry legislators--who shall remain nameless--a book titled: "How to be More Obvious While Sleeping Around On Your Spouses". They might pick up some good tips!

4:52 PM


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