Coble Launches New Task Force
FITS has learned that City of Columbia Mayor Bob Coble has formed a new task force to root out what he calls the single gravest threat to public safety in the Midlands.
No, it's not homocide, crack cocaine, armed robbery or Annette Young and Andre Bauer getting behind the wheel of a car - Coble (pictured left) says it's the Columbia Police Department's inability to locate a permanent home address for Will Folks. Accordingly, Coble has designated City Manager and former Chief of Police Charles Austin to head up COLAPAW - or the Committee On Locating A Permanent Address for Will.
"Sure, as it stands right now there are no outstanding warrants for Mr. Folks' arrest," Coble said. "But when you are dealing with this kind of diabolical, devious and desperate mind, that can change in a heartbeat. I believe strongly that this is the single most pressing public safety issue Columbia has faced since William Tecumsah Sherman, and that's why COLAPAW is going to make sure our city is ready the next time Mr. Folks steps out of line."
Numerous locations have been bandied about as possible current home addresses for Folks, but most political observers agree that the Back Porch restaurant or The Clubhouse (both on Gervais Street) are the most likely options. COLAPAW announced it is offering a $1 million reward for any individual who can provide the committee with a permanent address.
"Our committee is going to focus like a laser on pinpointing Mr. Folks' exact location," Austin said in accepting the reins of COLAPAW. "Then we will use any means necessary to make sure that we are on top of him at all times."
No sooner had Coble announced COLAPAW's formation than Queer as Folks blogger Paul Adams came forward to claim the reward. Adams admitted than a combination of lithium withdrawal, unemployment and an unnatural obsession with Folks had caused him to start stalking the former Sanford spokesman several weeks ago.
"I know where Will is at all times," Adams said. "In fact, at this very moment he is typing this blog. I can even see the back of his head right now with my binoculars. Geez, it looks like he's losing some hair back there."
For his part, Folks said the committee's formation was expected.
"What can I say," Folks said. "A black man can't expect justice in a white man's world."