Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Coble Launches New Task Force

FITS has learned that City of Columbia Mayor Bob Coble has formed a new task force to root out what he calls the single gravest threat to public safety in the Midlands.

No, it's not homocide, crack cocaine, armed robbery or Annette Young and Andre Bauer getting behind the wheel of a car - Coble (pictured left) says it's the Columbia Police Department's inability to locate a permanent home address for Will Folks. Accordingly, Coble has designated City Manager and former Chief of Police Charles Austin to head up COLAPAW - or the Committee On Locating A Permanent Address for Will.

"Sure, as it stands right now there are no outstanding warrants for Mr. Folks' arrest," Coble said. "But when you are dealing with this kind of diabolical, devious and desperate mind, that can change in a heartbeat. I believe strongly that this is the single most pressing public safety issue Columbia has faced since William Tecumsah Sherman, and that's why COLAPAW is going to make sure our city is ready the next time Mr. Folks steps out of line."

Numerous locations have been bandied about as possible current home addresses for Folks, but most political observers agree that the Back Porch restaurant or The Clubhouse (both on Gervais Street) are the most likely options. COLAPAW announced it is offering a $1 million reward for any individual who can provide the committee with a permanent address.

"Our committee is going to focus like a laser on pinpointing Mr. Folks' exact location," Austin said in accepting the reins of COLAPAW. "Then we will use any means necessary to make sure that we are on top of him at all times."

No sooner had Coble announced COLAPAW's formation than Queer as Folks blogger Paul Adams came forward to claim the reward. Adams admitted than a combination of lithium withdrawal, unemployment and an unnatural obsession with Folks had caused him to start stalking the former Sanford spokesman several weeks ago.

"I know where Will is at all times," Adams said. "In fact, at this very moment he is typing this blog. I can even see the back of his head right now with my binoculars. Geez, it looks like he's losing some hair back there."

For his part, Folks said the committee's formation was expected.

"What can I say," Folks said. "A black man can't expect justice in a white man's world."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't wait until Paul posts some inane rambling comment as a retort.

4:47 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

will you have the biggest ego of anyboy i have never seen. cripes you just caanan get enougf of yousdelf an are all in your own business! noone in his right mind woulds hire you for sanything!!!!!!!

4:49 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...


4:51 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

will you are a basterd and i hate you

5:03 PM

Blogger Laurin Manning said...

Canaan get enough of yourself... I'm thinking there's a Biblical joke in there somewhere...?

5:30 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You all know where to look for Will. He’s at the only two places people will give him credit rather than the bill. He's at the home of some cheep whore he convinced he still was still cool, that he’s a political insider and that he was in a real rock band.

5:32 PM

Blogger Earl Capps said...

It's hard to take one's critics seriously if they can't spell and post anonymously.

It started out kinda funny, but along the way, this posting got a little personal and over-the-top, in my humble opinion.

One more thing, I'd rather have a BEERPAW or LIQUORPAW than a paw with cola. After all, it IS harder to plead the fifth until one has had a few of them.

10:28 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what I'm talking about! Pure Paul gibberish!

10:34 PM

Blogger JFH said...

Why do you assume Will wrote this? (I mean I assume it also, but I COULD be wrong)

10:33 AM

Anonymous skinny said...

"and like that...

he's gone."

10 points to whoever guesses what movie that cam from

1:08 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Come on Skinny, it's the last thing echoing in Agent Kujan's ears (or Chazz Palminteri's ears) once he realizes that Kaiser Soze (Kevin Spacey) has just pulled the wool over his eyes in The Usual Suspects.

2:27 PM

Anonymous skinny said...

what can I say? I'm skinny

3:09 PM

Blogger Queer as Folks said...

remember will: your good enough...your smart enough and darn garnd'nt people really like you!...they really, really, do!

May God Bless You and Keep You all of the days of your Life.

Paul Adams.

12:16 AM

Blogger faithinsound said...

We're going to get more into commentary on this site. Hopefully, that'll be something Paul is less likely to comment on.

We may even break some non-satiric news ...

1:05 AM

Blogger Queer as Folks said...

We damn sure hope so...

and may the four winds blow you safely home...roll away the dew...

2:44 AM


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