Sunday, January 15, 2006

It's All About the Jeffersons

A little something was lost in last week's hoopla surrounding Gov. Mark Sanford's ever-escalating fundraising prowess, Robert Barber's impressive Light Gov showing and Greg Ryberg's shakedown of all his rich oil and gas buddies for campaign contributions.

That something? It's called "online disclosure."

For the first time in South Carolina history, John and Jane Sandlapper can now log onto their computers and figure out exactly who is paying to influence their votes ...

While most of the major media focused on the total dollar amounts raised by the various statewide campaigns, FITS took it upon ourselves to use this new technology for a look "behind the numbers" at all of the candidates. After a painstakingly-detailed analysis, here is a sampling of some of this recent fundraising quarter's most surprising revelations:

Rep. John Graham Altman - Received $250 from the SC Victims' Assistance Network with a note of profound thanks and a request for him to generate yet another national controversy this session by opening his mouth as often as possible.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer - Reimbursed himself in the amount of $350 after purchasing an additional 1,000 of those misleading "State of South Carolina - Mother of the Lieutenant Governor" business cards his mom likes to hand out. Also reimbursed himself $12 after purchasing an updated copy of the State of South Carolina Driver's Manual.

Rep. Catherine Ceips - Received a $500 contribution from the Atlantic Ocean and a note reading, "Very thirsty - please send more sand."

Rep. Nikki Haley - Returned a $5 contribution from some idiot wanting her to use her new "Assistant Majority Whip" on his bare behind.

Sen. Jakie Knotts - Received a $1,000 contribution - all of it in two-dollar bills - from former strip club partner Kermit LaForce. State Ethics Commission employees noted that many of the bills were "oddly crumpled" and had a "musky odor and slippery sheen" to them.

Sen. John Land - Received $1,000 from someone he may or may not recuse himself from voting for when their name comes up as a Worker's Comp appointee.

Sen. Glenn McConnell - Returned $28.3 billion in contributions after the Ethics Commission ruled that deferred interest on Confederate War Bonds doesn't count.

Sen. Glenn Reese - Reported the five dozen chocolate-covered Krispy Kreme donuts he's shoved down his throat while traveling from Spartanburg during the first week of session as "in-kind" contributions.

Rep. Bill Sandifer - Refused a $1 contribution from Playgirl magazine that was offered as a condition of his posing nude in the publication's "Men of the S.C. State House" issue. On behalf of us all, Representative, thank you!!!

Rep. Annette Young - Returned a $500 campaign contribution to Dewar's with a note saying "Keep your goddamned money, I want some goddamned Scotch."

Count on FITS to keep you up to speed on all the latest campaign finance news!!!


Blogger STR said...

I talked to my dad, he said that they were not Chocolate Covered. They were all lemon filled with no glaze. Let's get the truth right now Folks! He did give some free doughnuts the other day to Lindsey Graham and John McCain when they were in Spartanburg at his doughnut shop, so we need to do a follow up on their disclosure to see if they ever did file a GIK.

1:57 PM


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