Notorious BIG to Aid Cooper on Ways & Means Committee
FITS has learned that deceased rapper Notorious B.I.G. has been raised "all Lazarus-style" and dispatched to Columbia, S.C. to assist freshman Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper in preparing the 2006-07 budget, his first since rising to the post vacated by new Speaker Pork Barrel.
"Where tha true playuhs at?" B.I.G. told reporters at a joint press conference held with Cooper on the State House grounds Wednesday. "I be flossin', jig on the covah of Fortune, 5-double-Oh."
Cooper said the addition of B.I.G. - who incidentally bears a striking resemblance to Charleston-based lobbyist Jerome Heyward - would bolster his ability to keep House members in line during the often contentious budget-writing process.
"Biggie has assured me that if there are any issues that should arise during the writing of the budget, it's not a problem whatsoever for him to get the gat," Cooper said. "He has also assured me that in the event disputes arise with the Governor's Office, he is sufficiently prepared to drop a little machine gun funk on that ass."
"Ain't no thang to smack dat beeyatch," B.I.G. reiterated.
Sanford Spokesman Joel Sawyer, known for his rap music proclivity and for taking a full day off from work once to mourn the death of the Wu Tang Clan's "Old Dirty Bizzah," was quick to respond to Cooper's new hire. Sawyer said the governor would not be caught off guard by Biggie's arrival in South Carolina, and in fact had begun the process of raising another dead rapper from his grave to meet the threat.
"We're bringing Tu Pac back to life to handle our budget negotiations in the House," Sawyer said. "The governor ain't tryin' ta play dat, but B.I.G. had better not step."
Both Cooper and Sanford said they would post their budgets on www.gizoogle.com, allowing taxplayuh's everywhere to decide for themselves which spending items they would be "down wit yo."