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Monday, January 30, 2006

Ryberg Signs Frighten Children, Inspire Bow Tie Wearers


FITS has learned that candidate for State Treasurer Greg Ryberg (left, at right) has received dozens of calls from irate mothers following his campaign's placement of hundreds of 4X8 road signs on highways across the state of South Carolina this past week.

The signs, which feature a three-foot high photo reproduction of the Aiken Senator's gigantic "Ry-borg-like" head, have evidently frightened a number of infants and young children.

"We were drivin' down the road and all of a sudden, little Nikki starts screamin' her fool head off sayin' 'Mommy, mommy! That man scares me!'" recalled Tammi Bittner, a single mother of two from Elgin, S.C. "I looked up and I swear to God I 'bout ran off the road and caused me a wreck. Goodness gracious! That's one scary-lookin' man."

Ryberg, who has previously experimented with Yosemite Sam as well as Hercule Poirot-style moustaches, recently shaved a fairly normal moustache to begin stumping the state in his second bid for the Treasurer's Office (the Senate Transportation Chief was soundly thumped in 2002 by current Treasurer Grandpa Simpson).

"He's selling out to get elected," said Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper, who sports a totalitarian, Adolf Hitler-style moustache. "Hopefully this will convince him he's just as scary-looking without the moustache as he was with it."

While State Public Safety officials acknowledged that the Ryberg signs have created 159 accidents in the week since they were unveiled (most of them the result of shrieking babies), Ryberg spokesman Terry Sullivan countered by saying the signs were "regal and handsome" and that the image of his candidate "looked dignified and, to be honest, more than a little bit hot."

"We've also noticed that men who like to wear bow ties are all of a sudden flocking to our campaign," Sullivan added. "And besides, they've got more money than babies, who are really only good for website pictures."

Rick Quinn, Ryberg's opponent for the GOP Treasurer's nomination, said any money his opponent spent putting his face in public circulation was a good thing.

"Our initial plan for the signs was to buy a lot of cotton balls and make big Yosemite Sam moustaches to tape onto each one of them," Quinn admitted. "But based on the reaction they're getting, I think we'll probably leave them alone."

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

willyou are such an asshoeo. thet you gfet to tlak klie you knfd what you are sefling about wellt hat is thre hiehgt fo thu stempilier. you SDUYCH! wiuell volks. ytuo sucfh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:38 PM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

Whoever this guy is, we LOVE him. Please, please keep submitting comments like "thre hiehgt fo thu stempilier."

Seriously, in most cases we can figure out where you were going with the comment, but this one is beyond even our ability to comprehend.

Whoever you are, though, God bless you.

-FITS

P.S. - How in the hell do you type in the letters to get your comment approved though?

9:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, Quinn got away from Golden Tee long enough to comment?? And here we are, the rest of the world, thinking he had thrown in towel.

10:44 PM

 
Blogger The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

OK, the original post is HYSTERICAL... I was looking at one of those signs yesterday on my drive into town (just off Huger) and was wondering who paid for that monstrosity.

Then I see this anonymous poster... WOW... That comment should probably be linked to every post on school choice in the state; learn how to TYPE!

9:14 AM

 
Anonymous Jenny said...

Have you ever noticed that Ryberg looks like Jack Palance circa 1991 "City Slickers"

6:11 PM

 
Blogger Earl Capps said...

Ok, let's run Mister T for something, and put up signs with his toughest "I pity the fool" scowl.

9:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ryberg was defeated in the last election for Treasurer because he was using his position in the State House to sell fuel to the state. Besides, he is a Yankee outsider...a real carpetbagger. He would be the last person I would vote for. Children are very intuitive and if they are frightened by Ryberg, adults should take heed.

5:33 PM

 

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