Ryberg Signs Frighten Children, Inspire Bow Tie Wearers
FITS has learned that candidate for State Treasurer Greg Ryberg (left, at right) has received dozens of calls from irate mothers following his campaign's placement of hundreds of 4X8 road signs on highways across the state of South Carolina this past week.
The signs, which feature a three-foot high photo reproduction of the Aiken Senator's gigantic "Ry-borg-like" head, have evidently frightened a number of infants and young children.
"We were drivin' down the road and all of a sudden, little Nikki starts screamin' her fool head off sayin' 'Mommy, mommy! That man scares me!'" recalled Tammi Bittner, a single mother of two from Elgin, S.C. "I looked up and I swear to God I 'bout ran off the road and caused me a wreck. Goodness gracious! That's one scary-lookin' man."
Ryberg, who has previously experimented with Yosemite Sam as well as Hercule Poirot-style moustaches, recently shaved a fairly normal moustache to begin stumping the state in his second bid for the Treasurer's Office (the Senate Transportation Chief was soundly thumped in 2002 by current Treasurer Grandpa Simpson).
"He's selling out to get elected," said Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper, who sports a totalitarian, Adolf Hitler-style moustache. "Hopefully this will convince him he's just as scary-looking without the moustache as he was with it."
While State Public Safety officials acknowledged that the Ryberg signs have created 159 accidents in the week since they were unveiled (most of them the result of shrieking babies), Ryberg spokesman Terry Sullivan countered by saying the signs were "regal and handsome" and that the image of his candidate "looked dignified and, to be honest, more than a little bit hot."
"We've also noticed that men who like to wear bow ties are all of a sudden flocking to our campaign," Sullivan added. "And besides, they've got more money than babies, who are really only good for website pictures."
Rick Quinn, Ryberg's opponent for the GOP Treasurer's nomination, said any money his opponent spent putting his face in public circulation was a good thing.
"Our initial plan for the signs was to buy a lot of cotton balls and make big Yosemite Sam moustaches to tape onto each one of them," Quinn admitted. "But based on the reaction they're getting, I think we'll probably leave them alone."