Tuesday, January 10, 2006

They're Back!!!

Ahh yes, it's that time of year again ...

Like a bad episode of 'The Twilight Zone' or a never-ending version of Stevie Wonder's 'I Just Called to Say I Love You,' your duly-elected Legislators are back at the teet today ready to suck the life out of your livelihood and set the State of South Carolina back yet another 20-30 years.

And while we've never claimed to be Nostradamus, here are FITS' long-awaited predicitions for what you can expect from your 2006 General Assembly over the next six months of glad-handin', ass-kissin', back-stabbin', taxpayer-abusin' fun:

Prediction #1: Rep. Ken Kennedy will grab the microphone on at least 112 different occasions to say "Mista Speaker I'm a bit confused ..."

Prediction #2: Speaker Pork Barrel, after a day of fun with Rep. Kennedy on the House floor, will entertain his colleauges by showing them how effectively Gov. Mark Sanford's Executive Budget doubles as a doorstop in the Ways & Means conference room.

Prediction #3: Green's Discount Beverages on Assembly Street will have to restock its entire floor supply of Dewar's White Label Scotch at least 25 times on account of Rep. Annette Young.

Prediction #4: Sen. Phil Leventis will brandish the Senate "Sword" at some point during an impassioned filibuster, telling Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer to "come on down and get some."

Prediction #5: In a moment of distracted rage, Sanford Spokesman Joel Sawyer will let his ghetto side slip and inadvertantly call Sen. Leventis a "bitch."

Prediction #6: Rep. Chip Limehouse's public breast-feeding bill will somehow result in another e-mail scandal for Attorney General staffer Tommy Windsor.

Prediction #7: Rep. John Graham Altman will disguise himself as an infant and attempt to abuse Rep. Limehouse's breastfeeding bill with WIS Reporter Kara Gormley, adding further momentum to the movement to duct-tape his mouth shut.

Prediction #8: Someone on the House floor will fall asleep listening to Rep. Converse Chellis.

Prediction #9: Sen. Greg Ryberg will attempt to pass legislation authorizing the S.C. Adjutant General's office to procure atomic weaponry for the purpose of detonating a nuclear device inside Betty Mabry's office.

Prediction #10: Sen. Jakie Knotts will spoil the annual DNR Legislative Reception by showing up ten minutes early and devouring the entire buffet line ... except of course for one morsel of roasted duck for his dog 'Boom Boom' waiting out in the car.

Prediction #11: The Back Porch restaurant will serve as the backdrop for a nasty scene between Rep. Bill Sandifer and someone who didn't notice the "Assistant Majority Leader" sign that used to be posted on his Blatt Building office door back when he was still important.

Prediction #12: Sen. Glenn McConnell will announce that packets of compressed air recently discovered about the H.L. Hunley could generate enough power to operate every single Santee Cooper generator for the next 100 years, provided of course that the governor is not allowed to appoint any more board members.

Prediction #13: Ways and Means Chairman Dan Cooper will get run over by a fire truck in downtown Columbia that was attempting to assist law enforcement in handling Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer's latest display of road rage.

Prediction #14: After listening to Young MC's "Bust a Move," Will Folks will hit on the new S.C. Chamber of Commerce lobbyist everybody is talking about, only to have Mark Sweatman immediately challenge him to a "pimp-duel."

Predicition #15: Gov. Mark Sanford will get something passed!

Happy Legislating Everybody!!!


Blogger Laurin Manning said...

Mr. Folks had better be careful b/c a frequent commenter on the LaurinLine (and defender of Mr. Folks) is the big brother of the new Chamber lobbyist. And methinks Big Brother Dooley could take Mr. Folks any day. :-)

5:19 PM

Anonymous Mike said...

And I thought that I was a cynic.

6:54 PM

Blogger Earl Capps said...

I was wondering if you could tell if offering to make Pork and Barrel would constitute threatening public officials.

They sure would taste good ... esp. if I hand them over to the folks at D&H BBQ in Manning.

8:42 AM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Laurin sweetie,

When has Will Folks ever been careful?

4:28 PM


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