... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Basket Weaving 101


Let FITS get this straight - according to a new law signed by Gov. Mark Sanford, Sweetgrass Basket Weaving is the Official State Handcraft?

Are you kidding us? Sweetgrass Basket Weaving?

Actually it gets worse.

If one of Rep. Gary "Check My Poof in the Roof" Simrill's constituents gets his way, Boiled Peanuts will soon become the Official State Snack.

Good grief.

In case you didn't know, we already have the Official State House, Flag, Tree (Palmetto), Songs ("Carolina" and "South Carolina on My Mind"), Stone (Blue Granite), Gem Stone (Amethyst), Animal (Whitetail Deer), Dog (Boykin Spaniel), Fish (Striped Bass), Fruit (Peach), Shell (Lettered Olive), Grass (Indian Grass), Dance (Shag), American Folk Dance (Square Dance), Waltz (Richardson Waltz), Spider (Wolf Spider), Amphibian (Spotted Salamander), Reptile (Loggerhead Turtle), Flower (Yellow Jessamine), Wildflower (Goldenrod), Tartan (Just a Tartan people, nothing to get too excited about), Opera (Porgy and Bess), Military Academy (Camden), Rural Drama Theater (Abbeville), Tapestry ("From the Mountains to the Sea"), Beverage (Milk), Hospitality Beverage (Tea), Music ("Spiritual"), Popular Music (Beach Music), Railroad Museum (Fairfield), Botanical Garden (Clemson), Insect (Mantid), Butterfly (Eastern Tiger Swallowtail), Bird (Carolina Wren), Wild Game Bird (Wild Turkey), Folk Art and Crafts Center (Walterboro), Tobacco Museum (Mullins) and Hall of Fame (Myrtle Beach).

Whew ... our brain hurts.

Not to mention we've got two friggin mottos. Don't most states have just one? Can we possibly have a problem here? Itchy naming finger perhaps?

Seriously, the "official state this, official state that" crap is getting out of hand.

Now, FITS understands that a classful of cute third-graders and two centuries of white guilt could conceivably achieve vortex in some legislators' mind, giving us the Sweetbasket, Sweetgrass, whatever the hell the handcraft thing is.

But Boiled Peanuts? The Official State Snack?

When is it going to stop?

It's not, which is why FITS has decided we're getting on the bandwagon. All you legislators pay attention, now, here's our list:

STATE RAP SONG - Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong (a.k.a. The Thong Song)
STATE COLD STONE GROOVE - Black Biker Weekend
STATE PIMP - Flyguy from "I'm Gonna Git U Sucka"
STATE PIMP FOOTWEAR - Flyguy's Aquarium Shoes from "I'm Gonna Git U Sucka"
STATE RAP FOOTWEAR - RUN-DMC's Addidas
STATE BEER - PBR on Draft
STATE MIXED LIQUOR DRINK - Vodka Red Bull
STATE STRAIGHT UP LIQUOR DRINK - Annette Young's Perspiration
STATE DEERE - Model B
STATE PASTTIME - 'ho-in
STATE MALE DECOMPRESSION METHOD - Testicle scratching
STATE MALE RELAXATION METHOD - Watching Sports on TV
STATE FEMALE DECOMPRESSION METHOD - Sex & The City and Ice Cream
STATE FEMALE RELAXATION METHOD -Bubble Baths
STATE MOTTO - "I'm South Carolina, Beeyatches. Enjoy yourselves"
STATE GRASS - Kindbud
STATE "DUDE, I GOT THE MUNCHIES" SNACK FOOD - Cool Ranch Doritos
STATE CLOUD -Cirrus-Stratus
STATE CAR - Anything on cinderblocks
STATE HOME - Anything on cinderblocks
STATE BADASS - Johnny Cash
STATE 1990's GRUNGE BAND - Pearl Jam
STATE NECKLACE - Pearl, of course
STATE ROCK SONG - "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC
STATE PUMP FOOTWEAR - Manolo Blahniks
STATE BLOG - FITS, of course
STATE BAND - Anybody but Hootie
STATE HOOTIE MOMENT - You know dude, at that show, you know. Aww man I'm high.
STATE BREASTS - Hooters (and the Chicken wings ain't bad, either)
STATE FARM ANIMALS- Pork and Barrel
STATE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT- Bojangles
STATE SANDWICH - Cajun Chicken Filet
STATE LANGUAGE - Jive
STATE GREETING - Word is bond, yo
STATE CUTIE - Laurin DiDonna
STATE MILF - Darla Moore
STATE HOTTIE - Bess (Laurie's Dog)
STATE SWEET CAT - Chloe (Deb's Kitten)
STATE GOVERNMENT THEME - "Other People's Money"
STATE NICKNAME - The Mayor of Importantville!!!!
STATE RESTAURANT - The "Clubhouse"
STATE GOATEE - Scott English
STATE INANIMATE OBJECT - Andre Bauer's Brain
STATE LEGEND - Lee Bandy

Well there's our list. What's yours?

Seriously, you think we're kidding. All you've got to do is think of it, write it out and e-mail it to Gary Simrill - IT THEN AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES LAW!!!

2 Comments:

Blogger Earl Capps said...

Overall, that's a pretty good list you've got there. Anything with AC/DC on it shows real taste and intelligence, in my book.

You've got my vote!

9:35 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

State bad-ass should be Joe Morrison.

2:04 PM

 

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