Cooper Moustache Projected to Grow by 12-16%
House Ways and Means Chairman Dan "I am the Egg-Tooth, I am the Walrus, Coo-Coo-Ca-Choo" Cooper today announced that his Hitler/Chaplin-esque moustache will grow 12-16% larger this year.
The announcement came following a closed-door session of the House Republican Caucus, during which Republican Gov. Mark Sanford issued a controversial press release challenging Cooper to keep his moustache growth to a more modest 5%.
"I have a fiduciary responsibility to the taxpayers of South Carolina," Sanford said in his prepared statement. "This kind of excess growth seems to me a pretty clear indication that some in the House are not keeping an eye on the Egg-Tooth's moustache."
Sanford's release, which included quotes from three fellow legislators also critical of the rampant, unchecked growth of Cooper's flavor-savor, was immediately labeled a "grenade" by House Majority Leader Jim Merrill.
"The press machine in the governor's mansion released three independently made statements as a unified attack on the Egg-Tooth - sorry, I mean Chairman Cooper, his moustache and members of the House leadership," Merrill said. "The implications made by the press release were unwarranted and unprofessional."
Informed that Sanford's press office was actually in the State House, not the Governor's Mansion, Merrill chastised reporters.
"I know where it f---ing is, you b----es," Merrill said.
Mayor of Importantville Bobby Harrell - a consistent champion of double-digit, pork barrel moustache growth - said the era of cooperation with the governor was over.
“I have been trying very hard to work with him,” Harrell said. “I am very disappointed that he would resort to an attack ... before they voted on the first hair.”
Cooper told FITS he was unmoved by the governor's rebuke, but that moustache growth may be checked to some extent as a result of the controversial release.
"I think we’ve come out somewhere between where the Ways and Means Committee is and where the governor is,” Cooper said. "On my moustache, at least. You better believe I'm still going to spend every last dime of new taxpayer money that comes into Columbia regardless of whether we need to or not."