Cooper's "Egg-Tooth" Foils Fair's Intelligent Design Drive
FITS has learned that Bible-thumping Upstate Senator Mike Fair is giving up the fight to have Intelligent Design taught in South Carolina classrooms after coming face to face with House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper's "Egg Tooth."
"Chairman Cooper smiled at me in the State House this morning and it was then that I noticed he had a prominent egg tooth in the center of his mouth as opposed to the Scripturally-mandated two front teeth," Fair said. "As this is indisputable evidence of evolution at work, it is clearly time for me to rethink my position in this debate. Accordingly, I have no choice at the moment but to discontinue my efforts to have intelligent design taught in South Carolina's public schools."
"In most species the egg tooth falls out shortly after birth," said USC anthropologist Dr. Miles DeBrabham. "Once it punctures the shell with sufficient force for the hatchling to emerge from within, it has served its evolutionary purpose."
Dr. DeBrabham said that in some rare cases, such as Cooper's, the egg-tooth not only remains, but grows - positioning itself squarely in the center of the mouth while the other teeth are forced to grow in around it. Oddly enough, of the 145 examples of egg tooth re-introductus in South Carolina, 144 have been reported in Anderson County.
"Come to think of it I've never seen a picture of the Chairman smiling with his mouth open," said state Rep. Catherine Ceips. "Who would have thought he had an egg tooth?"
Fair's announcement came as a shock to State Board of Education Member and fellow Bible-thumper Kristen Maguire, who vowed to pick up where Fair is leaving off.
"There is an intelligent design in Dan Cooper's mouth and I intend to prove it," Maguire said, reaching for her lipstick and compact mirror.
Dr. DeBrabham said that Cooper's case could be an example of nature experimenting.
"Individuals with egg teeth can open wrappers faster, bite the tags off of clothing faster and are reportedly much more adept at foreplay," DeBrabham said. "So in many ways it's a blessing."
Cooper declined to comment on his egg tooth but House Speaker Bobby Harrell defended the dental disposition of his pork-protege.
"Tom Brokaw was on the evening news for twenty-two years and not once did you see his top row of teeth," Harrell said. "For all we know Tom Brokaw had an egg tooth. And Tom Brokaw wrote the Greatest Generation. So there's clearly nothing wrong with having an egg tooth."
Although disappointed that his year-long battle was at an end, Sen. Fair said he holds no animosity toward Cooper.
"Oh goodness no," Fair said. "He is a friend. I am just a little bit freaked out by it, that's all. I'm sure I will get used to it in no time, though."
"He is the Egg man, he is the Walrus, coo-coo ca-choo," said fellow Ways & Means committee member Jay Lucas.