God Calls Lovelace, Urges Withdrawal From Race
In a voice sounding eerily-similar to the inimitable pipes of The State newspaper columnist Lee Bandy (right), God himself placed a telephone call to "Republican" gubernatorial candidate Oscar Lovelace late Friday evening urging him to withdraw from the race.
"Yeah, I made the call," God told FITS. "I had to correct the record."
Apparently the Lord was angered by a January letter Lovelace sent to his campaign volunteers (known as Oscar's Army) claiming his decision to enter the governor's race came as the result of "a still, quiet call from God."
"I'm gonna have to call bulls--t on that one," the Lord said. "I never called him and told him that. He's bearing false witness against his Maker."
Asked why he waited nearly two months to bring the issue to Lovelace's attention, God said "I'm frigging busy up here, people. You wanna try running this s--- for awhile? Jesus Christ."
Later in the letter, Lovelace tells his supporters they must "lace the state with love."
"Seriously, is he running for governor or president of GLAAD?" God asked. "Sounds like a disco-dancin', Oscar Wilde-readin', Streisand ticket-holdin', friend of Dorothy if you ask me. A real cake boy."
FITS attempted to alert God that he was plagiarizing a line from the movie Clueless, but was promptly rebuffed.
"I created the dude that wrote that movie, didn't I?" he said. "I got intellectual property on everything."
Lovelace could not be reached for comment, but his campaign consultant, puppetmaster and portable brain Rod Shealy accused God of backing Sanford solely because he is the incumbent governor.
"Look at all the incumbents that win primary races," Shealy said. "God clearly has a bias against challengers in Republican primaries."
"Bulls--t," God fired back. "I got a bias against a--holes like Rod Shealy."
For his part Bandy, a member of Columbia's First Presbyterian Church, said he was honored that God had chosen his voice to communicate with people here on earth, but added that it had made things a bit more difficult for him at the office.
"I have to do a lot more of my communicating through e-mail now because everytime I call somebody they start telling me about all of their problems and basically driving me crazy," Bandy said. "I get enough of that from Aaron Sheinin."
Bandy also said he was surprised to hear that God had a bit of a potty-mouth problem.