... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Monday, February 27, 2006

Sic Willie Kidnaps Lobbyist Golf Toy


FITS has learned that occasional contributor and resident South Carolina political bad boy Sic Willie is in trouble with the law ... again.

This time, his "victim" is Columbia-based lobbyist J.J. Darby of The Palmetto Policy Group, a prominent local lobbying firm headed up by former Carroll Campbell Legislative Director Larry Marchant.

According to police reports and a ransom note left today in TPPG's downtown Columbia office building, Folks has "kidnapped" an office coat hanger (similar to the one pictured above) that also doubles as a portable practice putting green.

"I arrived at work this morning to find a ransom note demanding $118 in exchange for the safe return of my golf-themed coat rack," Darby told FITS. "Needless to say, I immediately contacted the authorities and filed a stolen property report."

Darby said Folks picked up the piece of furniture from his office on Friday with an unidentified female posing as a graduate student at the University of South Carolina. According to Darby, Folks and the unidentified female asked if they could borrow his golf-themed coat rack for use as part of a contest being sponsored over the weekend by the University Housing Office.

"I can't believe I fell for it," Darby said. "I mean, he's been coveting it for months and one day out of the blue he shows up with this cute girl and I let them walk right out the door with it. I knew something was up. Obviously it goes without saying I feel pretty violated right about now."

Columbia Police Chief Dean Crisp said his office has issued warrants for Folks' arrest on kidnapping and petty burglary charges but that no home address is available for the maverick miscreant. Earlier this year, Columbia Mayor Bob Coble identified Folks as the City's top public safety threat and announced the formation of a special task force to determine his whereabouts.

"We are working with the task force to determine Mr. Folks' exact location," Crisp told FITS. "As soon as we have that information in our possession, we will move in with all necessary force to extricate the kidnapping victim from the premises."

Crisp added that Folks' ransom demand coincides almost precisely with the median price of similar golf-themed coat racks available for purchase over the Internet.

Sic Willie did not show up at FITS headquarters this morning to collect his weekly paycheck of $0.08, according to FITS senior managing editor Laurie D., nor has he contacted the office since submitting a budget-related post on Chairman Dan "Coo Coo Ca Choo" Cooper (a.k.a. "Chairman Egg-Tooth") last Friday morning, just prior to the alleged kidnapping.

"I just want my coat rack back," an emotional Darby said. "It was a wedding gift from my wife and it means a lot to me. Plus, I putted like complete a** this afternoon at the Country Club. I need that thing to practice my putting after work in my office."

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey is that Ainsley Hayes from the West Wing as the newest FITS girl? She is not a songwriter.

Funny post.

2:47 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since when does JJ get hall passes from the wife to go and play golf?

2:49 PM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

A date with Laurie D. to anybody who can name the band quoted in the caption.

2:55 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Death Cab for Cutie.

And I would rather die than have a date with Will Folks or any one of his many personalities.

4:20 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want a date with Will. Ask us another question FITS!!

4:28 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To tell you the truth, I thought the whole thing was an allegory about Will Folks career in the Governor's office. When he worked there he would just pace around and around chain smoking. If you saw him everyday, the brother's clothes would be so wrinkled it looked like he picked them off of the ottoman from the night before.

And furthermore, why would Mr. Folks want with a j j darby's precious little putter stand anyway?

4:41 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

will never was a cornflake girl.

4:51 PM

 

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