Pizza the Hut: Sanford to Blame for Bauer's Lead Foot
If you're in the market for some beachfront property in Cherokee County, then State Sen. Jakie Knotts (pictured, left) has a pitch you've got to hear.
According to His Royal Redneck Rotundness (a.k.a. "Pizza the Hut"), Lt. Governor's Andre Bauer's recent recklessness on the road is all Gov. Mark Sanford's fault.
With Bauer himself presiding, Knotts, the resident crew chief of Bauer Racing, Inc., angrily took to the Senate floor yesterday to argue that if Sanford had only approved a taxpayer allocation of $64,000 a year to provide full-time chauffering and security services to the part-time Lt. Governor (who's only paid $46,000 a year himself), "we wouldn't be in the predicament we're in today."
Major props to Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer, who in response offered perhaps the best quote of his tenure as the governor's Press Secretary:
"It shouldn't cost the taxpayers $64,000 to keep the lieutenant governor's speedometer in double digits," Sawyer told The Greenville News.
Elsewhere, other parts of Bauer Racing Inc. President Rod Shealy's damage control plan were similarly falling apart. It turns out that Constable certificate Andre was so excited about temporarily returning to SLED (you know, to demonstrate how he's not "above the law") wasn't even valid, as Bauer has failed to complete his required firearm and legal education training in each of the past two years.
Nice work, Shealy.
So in addition to driving illegally, it turns out Bauer was illegally posing as a Constable, too.
SLED Chief Robert Stewart is currently investigating why his agency didn't catch the omission sooner, but FITS is betting it probably has something to do with Bauer calling over and telling the front desk "this is SC 2."
The sad thing (sad, that is, if you're a member of the rapidly-shrinking Andre Fan Club) is that Bauer's first-day response, "I've got a lead foot and I'm sorry" was actually perfect. You apologize for recklessly endangering people's lives, skirting the consequences and lying about it -you take the hit, and you move on. Seriously, there are some things out there you simply can't spin (and shouldn't try to). You take the hit and you move on.
Fortunately for those of us who want a real Lieutenant Governor (not to mention a real Lieutenant Governor's Office), Bauer Racing Inc. has turned "shooting themselves in the foot" into a full-on slug to the cranium.
Shealy has rolled out this elaborate "Blame-Sanford, Reward-Andre-With-A-Driver-And-Bodyguard, Walk-12-Miles-To-File-For-Reelection, Temporarily-Return-Invalid-Constable-Certificate, Sic-Pizza-the-Knotts-On-Them" strategy that's only exacerbating (that means "making it worse," Jakie) the Light Gov's problems. Instead of his recklessness, immaturity and bad judgment being front page news for a day, Shealy's making it front page news for a week.
What's next in this brilliant damage control strategy? The Light Gov racing fellow speeders in Go-Karts?
Oh ... Good God.
Look closely - that skid mark you see behind the Lieutenant Governor's latest public relations disaster is Rod Shealy's growing incompetance and, FITS hopes, eventual irrelevancy and outright disappearance from the South Carolina political scene.