Friday, March 31, 2006

Pizza the Hut: Sanford to Blame for Bauer's Lead Foot

If you're in the market for some beachfront property in Cherokee County, then State Sen. Jakie Knotts (pictured, left) has a pitch you've got to hear.

According to His Royal Redneck Rotundness (a.k.a. "Pizza the Hut"), Lt. Governor's Andre Bauer's recent recklessness on the road is all Gov. Mark Sanford's fault.

With Bauer himself presiding, Knotts, the resident crew chief of Bauer Racing, Inc., angrily took to the Senate floor yesterday to argue that if Sanford had only approved a taxpayer allocation of $64,000 a year to provide full-time chauffering and security services to the part-time Lt. Governor (who's only paid $46,000 a year himself), "we wouldn't be in the predicament we're in today."

Major props to Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer, who in response offered perhaps the best quote of his tenure as the governor's Press Secretary:

"It shouldn't cost the taxpayers $64,000 to keep the lieutenant governor's speedometer in double digits," Sawyer told The Greenville News.

Elsewhere, other parts of Bauer Racing Inc. President Rod Shealy's damage control plan were similarly falling apart. It turns out that Constable certificate Andre was so excited about temporarily returning to SLED (you know, to demonstrate how he's not "above the law") wasn't even valid, as Bauer has failed to complete his required firearm and legal education training in each of the past two years.

Nice work, Shealy.

So in addition to driving illegally, it turns out Bauer was illegally posing as a Constable, too.

SLED Chief Robert Stewart is currently investigating why his agency didn't catch the omission sooner, but FITS is betting it probably has something to do with Bauer calling over and telling the front desk "this is SC 2."

The sad thing (sad, that is, if you're a member of the rapidly-shrinking Andre Fan Club) is that Bauer's first-day response, "I've got a lead foot and I'm sorry" was actually perfect. You apologize for recklessly endangering people's lives, skirting the consequences and lying about it -you take the hit, and you move on. Seriously, there are some things out there you simply can't spin (and shouldn't try to). You take the hit and you move on.

Fortunately for those of us who want a real Lieutenant Governor (not to mention a real Lieutenant Governor's Office), Bauer Racing Inc. has turned "shooting themselves in the foot" into a full-on slug to the cranium.

Shealy has rolled out this elaborate "Blame-Sanford, Reward-Andre-With-A-Driver-And-Bodyguard, Walk-12-Miles-To-File-For-Reelection, Temporarily-Return-Invalid-Constable-Certificate, Sic-Pizza-the-Knotts-On-Them" strategy that's only exacerbating (that means "making it worse," Jakie) the Light Gov's problems. Instead of his recklessness, immaturity and bad judgment being front page news for a day, Shealy's making it front page news for a week.

What's next in this brilliant damage control strategy? The Light Gov racing fellow speeders in Go-Karts?

Oh ... Good God.

Look closely - that skid mark you see behind the Lieutenant Governor's latest public relations disaster is Rod Shealy's growing incompetance and, FITS hopes, eventual irrelevancy and outright disappearance from the South Carolina political scene.


Anonymous girlpower said...

If the $64,000 had been approved to hire a driver for Andre, it would have just shifted John McGill's salary over to DPS and not really changed anything. Everyone knows his "Executive Assistant" job title now is really just fancy double-talk for "Andre's driver."

3:58 PM

Blogger Otis the Drunk said...

Girlpower, I don't want to mess with your bubble-but you are wrong on this one. I checked with the South Carolina State Employee Salary Database that is available courtesy of The State newspaper website.

It only lists the salaries of state employees who make 50000 dollars or more per year. John McGill does not appear on that list, therefore, unfortunately the comment about Mr. McGill's salary is incorrect. I won't go any further about your comments.

However, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

But in all fairness, Mike Campbell is now in the same boat as Andre Bauer with the speeding issue. He was let go because "his diddy was the former guvna of South Carolina".

How lame is that. Let's let the two of them duke this campaign out on REAL issues and let us the voters listen to what they actually have to say from here until election day!

8:14 PM

Blogger Mike Reino said...

As a footnote, I tried the same thing using my SC6 alias while doing 125MPH on I-95... If anyone has bail money, please send it to Clarendon County Sheriff's Office ASAP.. The food here is terrible!

12:38 AM

Blogger The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

Yeah, but you have to love the picture of Andre in the go-kart on the front page of The State this morning... Priceless.

You've gotta know he doesn't take himself too seriously after the gokart thing...

9:39 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bauer and Campbell are only validating their immaturity and ineptitude. Robert Barber is the one who will truly gain from this episode.

11:48 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon - go back to frying shrimp and shucking oysters at your boss's restaurant.

4:03 PM

Anonymous girlpower said...

Perhaps Mr. McGill doesn't make over $50,000 a year, but he certainly drives Bauer around a lot...

7:29 PM


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