Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sanford Taps Andre "Ice Cold" 3000 As Running Mate

Former Gov. Carroll Campbell had "Operation Lost Trust" to thank for his success in restructuring state government.

Gov. Mark Sanford now has Andre Bauer.

The day after news broke that South Carolina's Lt. Governor (a.k.a. "SC 2") had been pulled - but not ticketed - twice in recent months for speeding (including one incident in which he was clocked traveling at 101 mph), Sanford publicly announced his intention to "nominate" rapper Andre Ice Cold 3000 (pictured above) as his running mate in 2006.

"Our Constitution doesn't permit me to pick my running mate yet, but I can't have people out there thinking I had anything to do with this idiot (Bauer) getting elected," Sanford said. "There's only room for one Andre in South Carolina politics, and I want to make it clear that my administration supports Andre Ice Cold 3000."

3000, a founding member of the popular rap group Outkast, told reporters he was qualified for the job because he is "down wit purple" and doesn't speed on highways.

"Naw, I ain't wit dat," 3000 said. "We creeps when we roll."

The South Carolina Lt. Governor's office is largely ceremonial, with the only real political power being the ability to cast the deciding vote in the State Senate in the event of a tie. If Andre 3000's Sanford-backed candidacy succeeds, however, it could mean a dramatic shift in the decorum of the Senate.

"Aw hell yeah fool 'dey gone be scared a dat s---," 3000 said, briefly outlining his vision to turn the Senate Chamber into a futuristic, space-themed urban ghetto with scantily-clad dancers surrounding the balconies and lining the rostrum. "Fo real we gone' bring dat A-T-L Geo-gia style up in dat muthaf---er."

Bauer could not immediately be reached for comment. A spokesman said that the Lt. Governor and his consultant, Rod Shealy, were busy picking out "SC 2" a new moped.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is big boi running for, treasurer?

6:13 PM


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