Ways & Means Stash Gets Budget "High" As Kite
Late yesterday evening, the South Carolina Attorney General's Office, working in conjunction with SLED, the Bureau of Protective Services, the FBI, DEA and various local law enforcement agencies, uncovered a secret House Ways & Means "conference facility" located deep below the Blatt Building on the State House grounds that was filled with thousands of marijuana plants and related drug items.
"A football field of weed," said a DEA agent who declined to be identified. "No wonder the budget is so high all of the time."
The four-room facility (pictured above) contained over 3,400 individual pot plants at different stages of their development, 450 individually-wrapped pounds of street-ready marijuana and a conference room stocked with fluffy chairs, water bongs, hookahs, gravity bongs, rolling papers, Bob Marley posters, sodas, assorted munchies and other drug paraphernalia. The underground facility was guarded by a Bureau of Protective Services agent stationed outside a door with a small sign reading: "Ways & Means - Supplemental Appropriations."
"This is the biggest bust South Carolina has seen since Dolly Parton opened the Dixie Stampede in Myrtle Beach," said state Attorney General Henry McMaster. "Or at least since the last time I saw Becky Barnes or Donna Freeman. Anyway, my office is continuing its investigation and interrogating suspects found in the facility at the time of the raid. Needless to say, there will be hundreds of arrests associated with this very, very large bust."
Although neither Mayor of Importantville Bobby Harrell nor Ways & Means Chairman Dan "Egg-tooth" Cooper were at the facility at the time of the raid, two foam-filled, velour-upholstered chairs seized from the conference room were emblazoned with the monikers "Da Mayor" and "Da Tooth."
Ways & Means members who were found in the room at the time of the raid said they had no idea the cavernous facility just behind them contained an underground "football field of weed."
"I'm here for my glaucoma," said state Rep. Annette Young. "Everybody knows I've got bad glaucoma."
"Me too, glaucoma, that's right, that's it," state Rep. Ken Kennedy said. "I got glaucoma bad."
"You think I wanna wear these dorky glasses all the time?" asked state Rep. Bill Cotty. "It's glaucoma man, glaucoma."
"We all got prescriptions from the Doctor of the Day at the State House," said state Rep. Adam Taylor. "Medicinal purposes - ain't those the two sweetest words you ever heard?"
However the FY 2006-07 State Budget, which was also found in the conference room during the raid, disagreed.
"They can say what they want, man, but I've been locked down here the last three weeks and I'm high as a kite," the Budget said. "Look at me, dude. I'm anywhere from 12-16% higher than I was last year - and believe me, I got pretty f---ing high last year. I can't keep getting so high all the time, man. I mean, I've got stuff to do, serious stuff to do for all my peoples here in SC, but I can't remember none of it right now 'cause these dudes come down here all the time, smoke me retarded and tell me all this s--- they want from me. I'm like - dude, I'm high enough already! But they keep on blowin' that smoke, and I keep on gettin' higher and higher."
Although the governor's press office refused to comment on what it called a "pending investigation," the governor's closest advisor said no one in the executive branch was surprised by the revelation.
"We clearly knew something was responsible for making the budget so high," Sanford Co-chief of Staff and Legislative Director Tom Davis said. "We just assumed it was crack rock or crystal meth. Hopefully, we'll be able to get the budget the help it needs so it can start doing its job again for the people of South Carolina."