Woozy Sanford Abruptly Creates New Cabinet Agency
Gov. Mark Sanford, in an unexpected and uncharacteristic show of support for the expansion of state government, today issued Executive Order 2006-22 formally establishing a new “Ministry of Defense” for the State of South Carolina.
The executive order was issued hastily following what was originally scheduled to be a five-minute meet-and-greet with movie star and martial arts expert Chuck Norris, who reportedly was in South Carolina scouting locations for a new film. According to Commerce officials, Sanford was discussing benefits of the state's new film incentives bill with the actor, but then surprisingly tapped him to lead the new Cabinet-level Department.
Although Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer insisted otherwise, the governor appeared woozy, wobbly and nonsensical when he and Norris emerged from his office to meet reporters, and was holding his hand to the back of his head. FITS has since learned that two correspondents had it in mind to ask the governor whether or not he had received one of Norris’ fabled “roundhouse” kicks, but the new Minister of Defense had already read their minds and dropped them to the State House floor with two expertly-timed, forcefully-delivered variations of said maneuver.
“Anybody else thinking about asking me if I roundhouse-kicked the governor?” Norris asked members of the S.C. press corps who remained standing. “I didn’t think so.”
Norris, who went on to claim supreme executive, legislative and judicial authority throughout the State of South Carolina stemming from his new appointment, took only one actual question, but did not like it and subsequently roundhouse-kicked the reporter who asked it.
“Any more questions? I didn’t think so,” Norris said before returning into the governor’s office. “Now governor, come back here into my office when you’re done handing out those press releases to whoever’s still standing.”
Sawyer did his best to put a good face on the incident.
“The governor was not round-housed, he wanted Mr. Norris on board in this key new role for two reasons,” Sawyer said. “First, he’s a popular action hero who symbolizes strength and resolve to a generation of older voters. Second, he’s becoming quite a cult hero among younger voters with the rising popularity of Chuck Norris jokes on the Internet.”
Asked what the governor’s favorite Chuck Norris jokes were, Sawyer immediately pulled out a list of Sanford's Top 20:
20. In 1960, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-related deaths increased by 13,000%.
19. At the moment of his birth, Chuck Norris came out feet-first and roundhouse-kicked the doctor. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
18. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
17. When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake or swimming pool, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets “Chuck Norris-ed.”
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
15. Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word “hunting” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
14. Chuck Norris was about to send an e-mail once, but then realized it would be quicker to run.
13. If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the f--- down.
12. Chuck Norris does not get a “Brain Freeze,” Slurpees know when to back the f--- up.
11. Leading hand sanitizers can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the f--- he wants.
10. A handicapped parking sign does not signify that the spot in question is for handicapped people. It is in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and he will make you handicapped if you dare to park there.
9. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
8. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light - not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
6. Chuck Norris’ urine is so potent it is being marketed as an energy drink. In case you haven’t heard, it’s called Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as the Islands.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the devil and took his soul back. Appreciating irony, the devil couldn’t stay mad. The two now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
3. When Chuck Norris sends in his tax returns, he includes only blank forms and a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris does not pay taxes.
2. Contrary to popular belief, President George Bush and Governor Mark Sanford are excellent public speakers who rarely mispronounce words or wander off their prepared remarks. They only appear to be nervous and disorganized at times because they know Chuck Norris is watching.
1. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself … the only thing fear has to fear is a lethal roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
After releasing the list, Sawyer added that House Rep. John Graham Altman’s decision not to seek re-election was not the result of polling data or previous public missteps, but rather a visit from Chuck Norris instructing him not to run.