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Monday, March 27, 2006

ZZ Top, FITS Unveil 'Top 20 Hot Legs' at State House


They flew in secretly this morning just before noon from Houston, Texas, but by the time they kicked off their press conference with FITS’ leggy staff just an hour later on the ground floor of the Capital Center, a crowd numbering in the thousands had gathered to bid an enthusiastic South Carolina welcome to Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard, a.k.a. ZZ Top.

The Rock-n-Roll Hall of Famers – still going strong after 36 years – immediately launched into a rollicking 20-minute mini-concert that included such favorites as “Cheap Sunglasses,” “Sharp Dressed Man,” “Gimme All Your Lovin’,” and the song everyone was waiting for, “Legs.”

“I don’t know why you’re here,” Gibbons told the throbbing multitude prior to launching into the group’s 1983 classic. “But we’re here to talk about legs.”

Turns out so was the crowd.

So when the final notes had faded, the band turned the microphone over to a barely recognizable Sic Willie, who in addition to sporting an uncustomary suit (a dark charcoal Gieves & Hawkes), symbolically donned a pair of “cheap sunglasses” for the presentation of the awards.

“I’m probably about to get in a whole lot of trouble with a whole lot of people for this,” said our favorite bad boy, addressing the crowd from his perch onstage between four FITS hotties. “But I don't care. Here are the inaugural 'Top 20 Hot Legs at the South Carolina State House’ as compiled by FITS and ZZ Top.”

The envelope please …

Nos. 1 & 2 – Kristin Maguire – You know the best thing about Kristin? She’s a hugger. You know the second best thing about Kristin? She brings lots of homemade brownies to the State House when she comes a-callin’ on behalf of the Charter School Reform bill. You know the third best thing about Kristin? She’s hands-down (or legs down) got the best pair of strutters under the dome. You know the fourth best thing about Kristin? She ain’t scared to show ‘em off, as anybody who’s seen the famous forest green suit can tell you. Maybe the Mayor of Importantville should keep that Charter School bill tied up in committee just a little bit longer …

Nos. 3 & 4 – Kay Clamp – We can never remember who Kay lobbies for, we think it’s some fuel petroleum gas chemical export type thing … or something. We don’t really know. Anyway, this woman’s legs simply defy time, logic, gravity and whatever else it was you were staring at the moment she walks into the room. We don’t know what age-defying leg serum Ms. Clamp is taking, but whatever it is somebody needs to put it in a bottle and start selling it … fast. These smooth missiles command attention from everybody, whether you’re a freckle-faced page or BPS guard or one of the most powerful Committee Chairmen or Constitutional Officers in the state.

Nos. 5 & 6 – Peggy Boykin – The first “Who’s Hot at the State House” veteran to make the leg list, Peggy must be taking the same age-defying leg serum as Kay Clamp. Honestly, entire budget meetings have been known to go downhill faster than Bode Miller’s pre-Olympic hype because this excruciatingly hot State Retirement Director showed up in a pantsuit and not one of her trademark skirts – killing everybody’s anticipatory buzz. We don’t always know what Ms. Boykin is talking about when it comes to supplementary unfunded accrued annual liability deferred amortization thingies (truthfully, we never got past the “supple” part), but if she’s teaching “Accounting for Dummies,” count us in.

Nos. 7 & 8 – Karen Floyd – Is it just something about the letter “K” that naturally endows you with great legs? Must be, because six of our top eight “Hottest Legs at the State House” are attached to women whose first names start with “K.” Here’s something you should know about Karen, though – she doesn’t just run for political office, she runs marathons. That’s right, those 20-plus mile things that you do mostly with your legs. The results, which FITS’ staffer Maureen (formerly known as Becca D.) observed recently at a SC Winning Women luncheon where Floyd spoke, are indeed moving to behold. She’ll win her election because she’s smart, savvy, classy and she’s the only actual Republican running for State Superintendent this year, but good Lord if only those 4X8’s had a little more room on them …

Nos. 9 & 10 – Lindsey Bonds – You know we’re just not scared of Thornton Kirby anymore. Sure his dad was a big-shot FBI agent from back in the J. Edgar Hoover day, but not even the threat of a thousand G-Men could keep us from giving Miss Lindsey’s perfectly-proportioned limbs their rightful place on this list. The second “Who’s Hot” honoree to find herself on the leg list, Bonds’ “got legs, and she knows how to use them” (oh come on, you knew it had to be coming somewhere in this post so we figured we'd get it outta the way). In all seriousness, though, it’s not just having the goods, it’s being able to transport them as well, and Bonds has the best stroll going.

Nos. 11 & 12 – Kathy Shannon – Another K. Another remarkable set of exquisitely-crafted, perfectly-toned drumsticks. And though it’s rare that Ms. Shannon strays from the latest pantalon chic, if you hang out around the State House long enough you’ll get a glimpse or two every once in awhile. Besides, what is it they say about the girls that leave a lot to the imagination? In fact, we’re trying hard right now to imagine a rational excuse for overriding the governor’s veto of the billboard bill, and though we may not ever get there at least Ms. Shannon makes it an enjoyable exercise in mental gymnastics.

Nos. 13 & 14 – Lauren Eaves – The third and final “Who’s Hot” girl to land on our list, Miss Eaves has single-handedly quadrupled foot traffic into the State House Bill Room (you know, the closet opposite the johns on the First Floor, South Side). And with good reason. Ever since the 23-year old former Clubhouse diva stepped under the dome, drool, desperate stares and date invitations have headed in her direction faster than pork for Mayor Harrell’s Democratic supporters at a Ways & Means subcommittee hearing. Seriously, don't just take our word for it, check “the record” yourself.

Nos. 15 & 16 – Sherry Street – From the plains of Indiana say a hearty Heartland hello to two of the most well-formed stalks we backwards, backwoods Palmetto boys will ever have the privilege of laying our eyes on. Actually, we have no idea if there are plains in Indiana (or stalks for that matter), but we do know Sherry Street has some incredibly hot legs. Put Parents in Charge, Part Deux, is obviously quite high already on FITS' list of supported legislation, but we know exactly who we’re calling if we need a little more information. A former aide to Milwaukee Mayor John Norquist, Street was somewhat surprised when informed today she’d made our list. Take one look and we think you’ll agree she’s crazy for thinking that.

Nos. 17 & 18 – Jamie Bach – If you haven’t yet strolled down to the governor’s appointments office to inquire about your fitness for service on one of our state’s two thousand-plus boards and commissions, you need to do so immediately. And be sure to bring dozens of marginally-relevant questions to ask about each specific board so as to prolong your visit once you get there. Why? Because the longer you stay, the longer you get to witness the perfectly fit for service legs of Mrs. Bach, who also happens to be one of the few genuinely nice people in the building. The former Jamie Van Riper (yes, she's the daughter of another pretty well-legged Republican hottie, Lisa Van Riper), Mrs. Bach definitely got the good end of this gene pool.

Nos. 19 & 20 – Barbara Melvin – So she works for the most stuck-up agency in state government, a conceited collection of my-way-or-the-highway, pseudo-communist, status quo windbags who are daily allowing South Carolina’s ports to be overtaken by our neighboring states. None of that, however, makes State Ports Authority Lobbyist Barbara Melvin’s legs any less long, any less sleek or any less tan. The shoe goddess of the lobby, Melvin doesn’t hurt her “standing” with a veritably panoply of pumps, sling backs and mules - all selected from the latest styles and trendiest designers (speaking of which - did anybody other than FITS happen to notice the patent red Jimmy Choo pumps she sported for today's budget week kickoff? Wowzers).

So there you have it … all in good fun, we hope. Of course, were it not for a combination of restraining orders, outright threats and various other enjoinders of some sort or the other, you’d have probably seen a slightly more expansive list (including honorable mentions of at least two other “Who’s Hot” recipients, one of whom may or may not have been No. 1), but alas, we do what we can.

FITS would also like to remind all of our readers that the members of ZZ Top, who joined Sic Willie in casting their ballots, were all born in 1949.

Finally, we’re starting a pool on which male lobbyist/ legislator will be the first to walk up to Kristin McGuire and say “So, which one is No. 1 and which one is No. 2?” Our money's on Doug Jennings.

Anyway, we hope you enjoyed the list and got a laugh or two amidst the real Pork-A-Pallooza that’s going on right now under the Capital dome … the state budget debate.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's Maguire, not McGuire.

3:22 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I nominate Rep. Joe Brown for hot leg #21?

4:10 PM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

Dear Anon #1-

Thanks for the clarification. We promise to say patent red Jimmy Choo pumps real fast 100 times as penance.

-FITS

4:16 PM

 
Anonymous reality check said...

It should be pretty obvious to everyone concerned by now what a sexist pig Will Folks is but thanks Will for removing any doubt. How pathetic. Do you even get how sad you are? I was in the lobby standing within earshot when you called Barbara Melvin to find out what kind of shoes she was wearing, do you really think you are fooling anyone with this little game of yours? No one thinks this garbage is funny and frankly, Will, everyone wishes you would just do us all a favor and go away.

4:33 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RC - I think it's very funny and I am someone. Nice to know you speak for the entire planet.

5:54 PM

 
Blogger JFH said...

I think this is all bogus, I mean without pictures how do we know FITS is even a good critic?

11:30 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reality Check,

It is funny for a satire blog page. If you don't like reading it and disagree with everything that is said, why read it in the first place? Ignore the whole site altogether instead of reading the material and then complaining about what is said.

9:59 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kristen Maquire's legs cannot make up for her arrogance. I can't get past her mouth. When she comes around I try to leave. Forgive me but I think you are way wrong for having her on the list. I would pick Becky Martin's stumps over Kristin.

10:10 AM

 
Anonymous Holden McGroan said...

Where is Catherine Ceips on your list?

Dude, baby's got back.

11:16 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where is becky barnes on this list?

4:16 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is it just me or is the average age on this list like MILF???

Will, are the younger lobbyists for the most part not giving you the time of day any more

7:55 PM

 

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