Egg-tooth "Smile" Lulling Lobbyists Into False Sense of Security
House Ways & Means Chairman Dan "Egg-tooth" Cooper isn't smiling, but many State House lobbyists are coming perilously close to discovering that the hard way.
Cooper (left), who is by now as famous for his evolutionary-challenged front top teeth as he is for spending your tax dollars, has been frequently observed "smiling" at people around the State House ever since the S.C. House of Representatives passed his pork-laden $6.5 billion budget last week.
Numerous lobbyists, assuming the Egg-tooth's intentions were good, have made the mistake of approaching it.
"What these lobbyists do not understand is that the Egg-tooth is not smiling," said University of South Carolina anthropologist Dr. Spen Ding Adeekshun. "Much like a rattlesnake shaking its tail, the creature is baring its egg-tooth as a prelude to attack."
Dr. Adeekshun advises that lobbyists should maintain a twenty-foot separation from the Egg-tooth at all times, particularly if there is any money in their purses or wallets.
"The Egg-tooth's advanced olfactory capabilities innately sense the presence of money," said Dr. Adeekshun. "It is then hopelessly drawn, as if a swallow to Capistrano, baring its tooth at anything standing in its way."
The only way to guarantee the safety of the hundreds of elected officials, lobbyists and visitors who come to the State House every day?
"Elect someone else from the 10th Legislative district," said Dr. Adeekshun. "Oh, and we may even get some taxpayer refunds if we do that, too."