... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Sunday, April 02, 2006

FITS Exclusive: Will Folks Leaked Andre Bauer Story

FITS weekend bureau has just learned that the Andre Bauer speeding story dominating media coverage in the Palmetto State for the past week was leaked to the press by none other than Will Folks (left).

As it turns out, an intrepid new blog, The Adventures of Lewis and Oswald, has publicly fingered the former Sanford spokesman as the original source for the story that has the Bauer campaign in a freefall fast approaching terminal velocity ... or at least approaching 101 miles per hour according to records available at the South Carolina Department of Public Safety.

And although the new website's writing style is eerily similar to the English ineptitude displayed by a former Palmetto political blogger, it turns out its accusation was right on the money.

Responding to an e-mail inquiry from FITS weekend editor Laurie D., Folks had a one-word response when asked if the new website's allegations were in fact true.

"Yes," Folks' e-mail said.

This admission directly contradicts a statement posted on FaithInTheSound by Folks just three days earlier.

"Like the rest of South Carolina, I learned about Lt. Governor Bauer's recent traffic stops through reports in the news media," Folks posted to a FITS comment page on Thursday, March 30.

In addition to finally admitting that he leaked the Bauer story, a follow-up phone interview with the thirty-one year old founder of Viewpolitik, LLC, uncovered numerous startling admissions.

Among other evil deeds, Folks confessed to:

*Planning the Tet Offensive in 1968
*Setting the Reichstag Fire
*Recommending the launch of "New Coke" to Coca-Cola executives
*Arranging for the transportation of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction to neighboring Jordan prior to the start of the second Gulf War
*Committing the BTK murders
*Writing the screenplay for Basic Instinct 2
*Killing the Kennedys (all of them)
*Piloting the Exxon Valdez
*Inventing Spandex
*Organizing the Chinese response to Tiananmen Square
*Receiving oral sex from Monica Lewinsky
*Funneling money improperly during Iran-Contra
*Knowing Milli Vanilli was lip-synching but not telling anyone
*Providing steroids to Barry Bonds
*Pushing his ex-fiance into furniture

Folks denied having any connection with the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, D.C., but admitted providing steroids to the Arizona Diamondbacks during the 2001 World Series in an effort to undermine America's sentimental favorite, the New York Yankees ...

In all seriousness, people, if you haven't checked out former Queer as Folks blogger Paul Adams' latest handiwork over at Lewis and Oswald, you've got to give it a read.

Welcome back Paul! We missed you. Kisses - Laurie D.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't Will also the reason behind Demetris Summers' suspension from the USC football team, the deaths of Tupac and Biggie, the betrayal of Jesus Christ, the Confederate loss at Gettysburg and leaking the Rita and John Jenrette sex scandal as well as the closing of Meritage in Columbia?

Face it morons, Will Folks is like Timex whether you like it or not. And how many of you Will-bashers out there have a post-graduate degree, your own business and a slow developing bald spot?

C'mon "Miss Take Me Seriously Damnit I'm a Real Lobbyist", "I'm So Happy I Don't Have to Stand in the Unemployment Line Anymore," "Mmmm, Barbecue" and "I'll Print Whatever the Irmo Chamber Tells Me To" and "I'm Terry Sullivan Damnit and I'm Taller Than You Think" and stop stuffing the comment box more than a Haitian election.

You mongoloids/retards/bitter losers should spend more time assessing your own lives. But you were all probably the folks in the high school chess club so you could feel like being a winner.

Pathetic!

9:38 PM

 
Blogger Earl Capps said...

I heard he was behind the Germans invading Pearl Harbor too.

Also, will someone PLEASE send me my decoder ring and secret handshake guide for the great conspiracies?

10:46 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the first comment is either will folks or someone with a gay crush on will folks.

11:07 AM

 
Blogger The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

Guys... how could you forget...

EVERYONE knows that Will was responsible for the Lindbergh baby case... It was in response to Lindbergh's isolationism...

11:09 AM

 
Anonymous tin man said...

FUCK Will Folks.

11:10 AM

 
Anonymous reality check said...

The problem here is that we are all being duped. Will Folks is playing this up like it is all a big joke and drawing attention to these historical events to make it look like he did NOT leak the Andre Bauer story. But then at the same time he is "admitting" that he in fact did.

What we have is a redirection, which along with a history of violence against women and a blatant self-righteous rationalization, is classic Will Folks. Any of you ignorant enough to be fooled by this deserve to be.

11:32 AM

 
Blogger Earl Capps said...

Reality, as someone who has been in the "ring", and who frankly enjoys watching the circus from the ringside, I've learned that the truth is often in the middle of what the different sides try to have one believe.

Did Will Folks leak on Andre? Maybe so, maybe not. I tend to suspect this was packaged and leaked by SOMEONE because it was just too well done.

Who did it? I really don't care.

But it's all part of the often-childish "gotcha" game that is a lot of what SC politics is about. Which is why I appreciate having a job which is far removed from the political realm.

There is a commonly-held misconception that people in politics and government are somehow better, more qualified, better-behaved, and more ethical and professional in their conduct.

The truth is, and I'm sure you'll agree, they're not. They are more like the rest of us, and are not the best so much as a cross-section of the people of South Carolina - the bright, dumb, eager, lazy, saints, sinners, and the rest of us.

Let them leak, snipe, piss and moan. My experience is that sooner or later, it catches up with them.

In other words, those who throw stones shouldn't speed in New Ellenton.

1:32 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Earl,the reason you don't work in politics full time is b/c you can't get a full time gig in politics. So, please do not sit up on your high horse and act like you are too good to work in politics, when everyone knows that you beg every local candidate in Berkeley County to hire you. Seriously.

3:32 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reality Check is more right than she even knows. I heard from a reporter who covered this on the first day and he says Will Folks DEFINITELY leaked the story.

what say you now, sic Willie?

3:49 PM

 
Blogger Earl Capps said...

Anonymous - again, there's a lot to be said for the courage of one who can run their mouth but never put their name to their words.

If you can find my resume in the office of any campaign or any governmental office anytime in the last five or even ten years, do let us know.

Have a nice day.

6:59 PM

 

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