New Sanford Legislative Strategy: Give 'Em The Boot
He's tried piglets, a horse-and-buggy, bank vault visits and more charts and graphs than a stadium full of accounting professors, but Gov. Mark Sanford has had little success in slowing government growth in South Carolina or getting any of his big ticket items through a hostile General Assembly.
Finding himself in the odd, unenviable position of having to sell traditional Reagan Republican values like "tax cuts," "competition," "less government" and "efficiency" to a so-called Republican Legislature, FITS has learned that Sanford is now abandoning his trademark political gimmicks and resorting to more desperate measures.
"We're going to give them the boot," Sanford told FITS during an exclusive phone interview.
"A-Ha!" exclaimed House Ways & Means Chairman Dan "Egg-tooth" Cooper. "I've been telling you people all along he was going to run against the General Assembly. See! See! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo. Pocket full of poo-poo."
Cooper's satisfaction was short-lived, however (as was the spastic white boy dance that accompanied it), when informed by Ways & Means staff that the governor was not referring to any campaign-related activities, but was instead dispatching State Troopers armed with parking ticket "boots" to each and every legislative vehicle in the state.
"If you've got legislator tags, you're getting a boot attached to your vehicle," said Lt. Col. Harry Stubblefield of the S.C. Highway Patrol. "And if you happen to be our Lt. Governor, you're getting four of them."
"I should have thought of this idea three years ago," Sanford said. "Just think of all we could have gotten accomplished."
Not surprisingly, the governor's proposal was poorly received by State Sen. John Land and other legislators, who criticized Sanford for failing to work with the General Assembly.
"This governor has failed in every sense of the word to establish a meaningful relationship with --- Oh my God, check out that black polka dot dress on Sara Hopper! Mmm-mmm goodness gracious. Has she been out in the sun? Damn. Look at that tan! Excuse me. Sara! Sara! I need to speak with you a moment please, dear," Land, um, said.
Sen. Brad Hutto, whose Georgetown-inspired "HOYAS" license plate temporarily escaped the Highway Patrol's dragnet, was unable to comment about the governor's new plan.
"Seriously, I can't get over how hot Sara Hopper looks today," Hutto said. "I mean, damn. Sorry, did somebody ask me a question?"