Sanford Veto: Knotts' Obesity No Excuse for Heart Center
FITS has learned that Gov. Mark Sanford's impending veto of a bill to create a heart center for Lexington County is designed to avoid the appearance of giving special treatment to one "heavyweight" Lexington legislator, State Sen. Jakie Knotts.
"Neither this administration nor the taxpayers of South Carolina are to blame for Sen. Knotts' inability to control his appetite," Gov. Sanford explains in an advance copy of the veto message leaked to FITS. "Just because Sen. Knotts is a coronary waiting to happen doesn't mean we should change DHEC's certificate of need standards and build him his own heart center. Hell, we've had dozens of family fitness challenge events over the past three years. I haven't seen his fat ass at any of them."
The governor is scheduled to veto the bill today at 2:00 p.m.
According to medical records obtained by FITS, Sen. Knotts' current cholesterol level is equal to Baltimore Orioles' shortstop Miguel Tejada's MLB-leading .411 batting average, or 171 points above the high-risk threshold for the average male. His blood type is officially listed as Marinara, and his "fighting weight" is about twenty pounds north of Buster Douglas -- nine years after the Tyson fight.
The same records also show Knotts as having an overdeveloped "pig valve," accounting for his love of pork barrel spending.
"Dat summb-tch gov'ner," Knotts told FITS. "Dat done does it, den. I'm gone 'dorse dat Lovelace for gov'ner."
Told he had already endorsed Sanford's primary opponent weeks earlier, Knotts simply guffawed.
Knotts has built his political career around an amazing defense mechanism against comet-like insults hurled in his direction. None of these negative barbs actually impact the Senator directly, instead they are sucked up into his gravitational field, where they take up geo-stationary orbit around his body.
Knotts, who was once a 56-inch waistline, now lists his pant size as the Tropic of Capricorn.
"If he doesn't start paying more attention to his diet, though, he'll be wearing Equator-sized pants in no time," said Knotts' personal physician, Dr. 90210.