Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sanford Veto: Knotts' Obesity No Excuse for Heart Center

FITS has learned that Gov. Mark Sanford's impending veto of a bill to create a heart center for Lexington County is designed to avoid the appearance of giving special treatment to one "heavyweight" Lexington legislator, State Sen. Jakie Knotts.

"Neither this administration nor the taxpayers of South Carolina are to blame for Sen. Knotts' inability to control his appetite," Gov. Sanford explains in an advance copy of the veto message leaked to FITS. "Just because Sen. Knotts is a coronary waiting to happen doesn't mean we should change DHEC's certificate of need standards and build him his own heart center. Hell, we've had dozens of family fitness challenge events over the past three years. I haven't seen his fat ass at any of them."

The governor is scheduled to veto the bill today at 2:00 p.m.

According to medical records obtained by FITS, Sen. Knotts' current cholesterol level is equal to Baltimore Orioles' shortstop Miguel Tejada's MLB-leading .411 batting average, or 171 points above the high-risk threshold for the average male. His blood type is officially listed as Marinara, and his "fighting weight" is about twenty pounds north of Buster Douglas -- nine years after the Tyson fight.

The same records also show Knotts as having an overdeveloped "pig valve," accounting for his love of pork barrel spending.

"Dat summb-tch gov'ner," Knotts told FITS. "Dat done does it, den. I'm gone 'dorse dat Lovelace for gov'ner."

Told he had already endorsed Sanford's primary opponent weeks earlier, Knotts simply guffawed.

Knotts has built his political career around an amazing defense mechanism against comet-like insults hurled in his direction. None of these negative barbs actually impact the Senator directly, instead they are sucked up into his gravitational field, where they take up geo-stationary orbit around his body.

Knotts, who was once a 56-inch waistline, now lists his pant size as the Tropic of Capricorn.

"If he doesn't start paying more attention to his diet, though, he'll be wearing Equator-sized pants in no time," said Knotts' personal physician, Dr. 90210.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

guffawed = great. well done willamina.

3:01 PM

Blogger The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

geosynchronous orbit... the word you are looking for is geosynchronous...

Funny stuff...

4:44 PM

Blogger CaptainAmerica said...

Suppose any of this has to do w/the fact that you blame him because you violently shoved a 100-pound girl?

9:05 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Dear Captain,

First off, all of us here at FITS have missed reading you and the Pirate lately. We hope the two of you will be back at it again soon because Free Carolina is one of the best political blogs out there and needs to be a part of this crazy, ever-evolving discourse.

Having said that, it's unfortunate that someone of your demonstrated intellect and verbal capabilities would stoop to the level of the comment above.

Seriously, Captain, you're better than that. Let the Palmetto Voice's of the world pretending to be anonymous Will-haters handle the inflammatory CDV comments, k?

Like we said, you're better than that.


P.S. - Oh, and Mark Sanford, while one of our favorite people in the whole world, isn't Jesus. He makes mistakes, just like the rest of us.

11:07 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shouldn't make fun of good ol' Jakie as he's clinically retarded.

In fact, he has the second-lowest IQ in South Carolina. (Sen. Ford is officially the stupidest South Carolinian.)

11:26 AM

Anonymous Good for the Goose said...

Maybe the reason people keep making comments about Will's history as a woman-beater is because of all the cheap shots he takes at people in his columns.

3:29 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

9 times out of 10 will is making a good argument. the other times he is just being funny. I do not think that deserves the comments he gets but that is just me.

will is a good guy. ashley is a good girl. they do not see eye-to-eye on what happened but they were the only two people there and the only reason all these comments are made to begin with is because of Will's job.

leave the two of them alone and Will that goes for you too in what you write. you should not make light of this either.

3:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're obviously an idiot. If you believe that poking fun at someone who fits the description of the majority of this state in being obese and suffering from heart disease is funny, it's no wonder the governor that you applaud so loudly fired you. Why don't you use some of your supposed "PR" skills to do something of substance, like help raise funds for Sistercare.

5:14 PM


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