Empty Podium Thrashes Lovelace in Debate
An empty podium trounced "Republican" gubernatorial hopeful Dr. Oscar Lovelace in an ETV debate yesterday, sending the Prosperity physician's campaign scrambling to explain how its candidate could have lost a debate to someone who wasn't even there.
The podium, which would have been occupied by incumbent Gov. Mark Sanford in the event Lovelace was a credible opponent and not the manifestation of political consultant Rod Shealy's impotent rage, nonetheless rocked Lovelace's world during the hour-long debate.
"I was happy with my candidate's performance," said imaginary political consultant Sic Willie, a spokesman for the podium. "Even though he is made of wood and can't talk, he looked great out there tonight."
The podium scored huge points when Lovelace was busted lying about his political history, claiming throughout the campaign that he never ran for public office when in fact he finished in last place in a 1995 Prosperity Town Council race, getting a whopping 47 votes.
An angry Lovelace lashed out at the podium shortly thereafter, reprising a famous debate moment immortalized by the late Sen. Lloyd Bensten.
"Podium, I knew the podium of John Kennedy, I worked with the podium of John Kennedy, the podium of John Kennedy was a friend of mine and podium, you're not the podium of John Kennedy," Lovelace said.
Momentarily caught off guard, the podium got back on track when Lovelace was unable to identify any concrete policy proposals other than raising the state cigarette tax, which has already been endorsed by Gov. Mark Sanford as parter of a broader, net tax cut for the people of South Carolina.
"Podium, I bet you smoke," Lovelace chided. "You better speak up now or we're just going to have to assume you're a smoker."
Maintaining its composure, the podium did not respond to Lovelace's barbs, and got a break when Lovelace was asked why his campaign is being run by a political consultant who has been indicted for election fraud.
"I ... I ..." Lovelace stammered. "Look, I'm not some unemployed black fisherman Rod hired and Mark Sanford is not Rod Shealy's sister."
"That's when we knew we had him," Sic Willie said. "My client the podium didn't have to say a thing, because everyone knows that Dr. Lovelace is in fact a Caucasian physician and that Rod Shealy's sister is in fact not the governor."
The last GOP hopeful to challenge an incumbent in the primary got 28% of the vote - and that was without lifting a finger. Lovelace, to his credit, has been busting his sawbones buns across the state.
The Republican GOP gubernatorial primary is June 13.