The "Jer"den Endorsement
So let's get this straight - Dr. Henry Jordan (left) is endorsing incumbent go-karter Andre Bauer in next Tuesday's Lite Gov runoff because he thinks Bauer is more likely to support Gov. Mark Sanford's school choice initiative?
Aside from the fact that a freshman Representative from friggin' Green Pond, S.C., has more pull on school choice than the Lieutenant Senate Gavel-Banger, let's be polite (well, sort of) and do Dr. "Screw the Buddhists and Kill the Muslims" the favor of analyzing his curious, last-minute Jerdenorsement a bit more closely.
First of all, Dr. "Jer-den" has his head firmly planted in the deserts of Iraq if he thinks for one second that Andre Bauer is going to do ANYTHING to help this governor out if reelected.
Sure, we all know how much Andre loves to talk in public about supporting the governor's agenda. In fact, aside from updating his My Space account, the only thing Andre probably enjoys more than talking in public about his support for the governor's agenda is ripping the governor's agenda to shreds once the TV cameras are gone and he's behind closed doors again.
Take the governor's other top two agenda items - income tax and government restructuring. Bauer claims to support both in public, but he lobbied aggressively behind the scenes to make sure neither got out of the State Senate - even after the governor gave him his plum Office on Aging (a.k.a. Politicization of Elderly) gig, along with its built-in electoral constituency.
Seriously, you're actually going to have us believe that Andre told his fellow Rod Shealy clients Jakie Knotts and Luke Rankin (the only two Republicans who wouldn't vote to shut down Sen. Phil Leventis' income tax filibuster) to jump and they didn't ask "how high?"
Yeah, right. Jakie would give Luke Rankin an open-mouth kiss on the State House steps (and Luke Rankin would like it) if Andre told them to.
And we're supposed to buy that Andre telling the governor to stuff it on restructuring even after Sanford promised him that he'd be the guy on the ticket if it passed was really a show of unanimity?
The truth is, when it comes to finding people to blame for the fact that restructuring didn't pass and our income tax rate is still effectively the highest in the Southeast, put Andre Bauer at the top of that list right alongside his fellow Senate Shealy-ites. In fact when you get right down to it, the only reason Andre probably hasn't worked his anti-Sanford voodoo on the school choice issue is because it's never made it to the "deliberative body" over which he ceremoniously presides, having barely missed making it out of the House two years in a row.
Watching politicians like Andre Bauer and others flip-flop on Sanford issues is a lot like watching a high school basketball team doing wind sprints. They run as fast and hard as they can toward the governor's issues during their campaigns, but once they get elected, they turn around and run just as fast and just as hard in the opposite direction.
Claiming to support Andre Bauer because he would advance even one iota of the Sanford agenda is like hiring Rosanne Barr to model underwear, or seeking out Elizabeth Taylor for marriage counseling, or naming Osama Bin Laden the new Director of Homeland Security.
It's literally as asinine as reading one of those "Never Siphon By Mouth" warning stickers you see on gasoline pumps and deciding THAT's the moment you're going to start questioning authority.
We desperately need school choice in South Carolina, but assuming Andre Bauer has either the power or inclination to do anything that moves us closer toward that objective is a lot like assuming he actually helped shorten lines at the DMV or any of the other things he brags about accomplishing in his reality-challenged television commercials.
FITS will have our official runoff endorsements ready for you tomorrow in the "Return of the Echo Chamber," but as far as the Lt. Governor's race is concerned, if you're a school choice advocate or anybody who believes in lower taxes, less spending and more efficient government, do what 63% of the voters already did two weeks ago - cast a ballot that shows Andre Bauer the friggin' door.
Of course, do make sure it doesn't hit him on the way out. After all, we wouldn't want him reinjuring that heel.
Oh, and Dr. Jordan, one bit of parting advice for you, friend. Either change the spelling of your name or start pronouncing it the way the letters are currently arranged. This is South Carolina, dude, a state where graduate school is also known as "Hooked on Phonics."
Right now, you're just confusing people.