Saturday, June 03, 2006

Open Letter to Gov. Mark Sanford

Dear Mark,

Hey, it's me, your 4X8 campaign sign from the corner of Gervais and Huger Streets in downtown Columbia writing.

Look, I know your frugality is legendary and you're just trying to save a little campaign cash and all, but we really need to talk.

First of all, do you remember when I told you back in 2002 that I felt a little weird going up on roadsides all over South Carolina with your 1994 Congressional picture splashed all over my front and back?

Now don't get me wrong - we're not breaking up.

I still think you're an incredibly handsome man and I love having you all over me, so to speak, but let's be honest - this is starting to get a little bit ridiculous.

I mean, it was one thing to campaign in 2002 using a picture that was 8 years old. But now you're campaigning in 2006 using a picture that's 12 years old. What's up with that?

Seriously, Mark. You had a one-year old baby and had never served a minute in public office when that picture was taken. Now you've got four kids and have served six years in the U.S. Congress, not to mention three-and-a-half as governor.

I know all the girls are crazy about the John Frank hair-do and everything, but it's 2006 for crying out loud! And you're forty-six, not twenty-six.

Please don't misinterpret this, I don't want you to stop being who you are. I don't want you to stop writing on both sides of Post-It notes, double-bunking with Joel Sawyer on road trips or hitting up your underpaid staff for Wendy's Taco Salads every half-hour, but we 4X8 signs are important to your campaign and quite frankly, it's past time for an upgrade!

I promise I am not trying to be rude. I just want you to think about everything I'm doing for you out here. I mean, it gets hot standing on the side of the road in the blazing sun all day. And then when it starts raining I get completely drenched and cold. Plus, there's this little Boston Terrier that comes down from those new Vista Apartments and pees on my leg every single freakin' day. And I'm still kind of scared of the dark at night.

Oh, and I know you like that Greg Ryberg guy a lot but his 4X8 sign is right next to me and Mark - the way he's looking at me scares me to death.

Also, I think the Karen Floyd sign they just put up on the other side of me has got a little bit of a crush on you ... or you 12 years ago, anyway.

Just think about the things I'm saying to you, Mark. I want you to win big and I want to be a part of that. But we can't very well campaign on trying to move South Carolina into the 21st Century with your 1994 picture on all of our road signs.


Your Faithful 4X8 Sign on the Corner of Gervais and Huger Streets

P.S. - Call me sometime. There's a McDonald's across the street where we could do lunch.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

VERY creative. This is perhaps the funniest FITS since the Being John Malkovich post awhile back. Thanks for the funny.

10:38 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seem to remember a Jim DeMint campaign sign that looked a little more like Mel Gibson than Senor De Menthe.

2:15 PM

Anonymous nettie said...

Heh heh heh...

1:44 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


FITS, your best work!

5:59 PM


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