... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

McConnell, Confederate "Hunleymobile" Storm NGA

South Carolina Senator Glenn F. McConnell and a regiment of Confederate re-enactors took control of the annual National Governor's Association meeting this morning, storming the Charleston Place Hotel with American-made Springfield rifles and a life-sized "Hunleymobile" tank equipped with its own detonating spear.

"The War of Northern Aggression is avenged, the South has risen again," a jubilant McConnell proclaimed after siezing control of the meeting and imprisoning governors from states North of the Mason-Dixon line. "Our oppressors have been delivered unto us by the grace of Almighty God, and they shall receive no quarter from the Sons of the New Confederacy."

Also imprisoned in the surprise raid was South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whom McConnell proceeded to stip of all his Constitutional authority - which in and of itself was not entirely newsworthy as he's been doing it for the past three-and-a-half years.

McConnell's Hunleymobile slammed into the Charleston Place lobby at approximately 10:15 a.m. this morning, moments after witnesses observed the Senator, in full Confederate dress regalia and waving a sabre, shout "Ramming Speed! Go!!"

"As soon as the command was given, he dropped his arm, pointed his sabre toward the door and in they went," one witness told FITS.

Seconds later an explosion rocked the building, enabling McConnell's gray-clad warriers to pour through the breach and take control of the meeting.

Chris Drummond, former Sanford communications director and lead spokesman for the NGA host committee, called McConnell's assault "barbaric and shameful," but added that McConnell "was nonetheless, still a very attractive man."

McConnell, who declared himself Emperor of the South, said a fleet of Hunleymobiles was being assembled to move on Washington, D.C. "come the Spring thaw."

"As Sherman rendered Carolina, so my Hunleymobiles will render the whole Yankee nation."

After assuming the role of emperor, McConnell also issued orders making "Dixie" the national anthem, grits the national food, shag the national dance and also suspended habeas corpus and eliminated the sales tax on black hair dye.

8 Comments:

Blogger The Blue South said...

McConnell's antics have not gone unnoticed. See my post "Letting the Hunley Lie". I'll never understand the rationale being making a guy who dresses up like a confederate general and plays war the most powerful senator in the legislature.

5:37 PM

 
Blogger Martin Guerre said...

Why is it that you do not once again declare your independence from the Yankee invaders and the many Carpetbaggers(as you call people like G. le Rhyberg and le M.Sanford) who have stripped your state of it's heritage and it's legislative rights?

5:48 PM

 
Blogger Palmetto Neocon said...

HILLARIOUS!!!

7:34 PM

 
Blogger bitingblondewit said...

Tempest in a teapot. I've been informed by semi-reliable sources that while Mr. McConnell may rise to the occasion, he has trouble, um, shall we say sustaining that rise...which may explain any hostility he has toward the governor. Clearly his embrace of the Hunleymobile is merely a symbol of some sort.

8:41 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As mad as he still is at his former boss, Glen McConnell, did Paul Adams ghost write this one for you?

9:56 PM

 
Blogger moondoggie said...

great piece. thanks.

wish I had been there for the assault. am sure glenn looked dashing because he is, as drummond said, sill an attractive man.

hope glenn reads the posts. have been reading and writing his quotes for years and you nailed it.

7:59 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lame (this coming from somebody who doesn't even like G.M.)

Learn how to write real politcal satire here:

www.theonion.com

7:51 PM

 
Blogger Earl Capps said...

I spent years warning people this is EXACTLY what was going to happen.

Of course, nobody listened to me until it was too late. Somehow, I think McConnellsburg, D.C. just isn't going to sound quite the same to most people.

12:32 AM

 

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