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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

T-Rav, Rainey Schedule Tag Team Cage Match

Republican State Treasurer Nominee Thomas Ravenel (a.k.a. "T-Rav") and anti-tax cut philanthropist John Rainey (a.k.a. "Seersucker Kingfish") have agreed to resolve their differences via a WWF-sanctioned Tag Team Cage Match in downtown Columbia this Friday.

The match, which is designed to settle once and for all whether the $9 billion in unfunded liability from COLA's (Cost of Living Adjustments) should be added to South Carolina's current $18 billion financial sinkhole, will be held in the Budget and Control Board meeting room on the State House grounds.

In Rainey's corner will be State Treasurer Grady Patterson (a.k.a. "Grandpa Simpson"), whose abysmal record managing our state's investments has been stalwartly defended in recent days by the liberal BEA chief.

Also joining the fray on Rainey's "Triple-A Losers" team are liberal state economist Bill Gillespie (a.k.a. "Comrade Willie") and longtime Democratic PR advisor, school choice opponent and Rainey confidante Bud Ferillo (a.k.a. "Corridor of Pain").

The "Triple-A Losers" will wear seersucker tights in honor of Rainey.

Joining T-Rav on the "Taxpayer Tornadoes" team are former U.S. Navy boxer and current State Senator Jakie Knotts (a.k.a. "House of Pain"), Lexington-based political consultant Rod Shealy (a.k.a. "Rod The Bod") and Comptroller General Richard Eckstrom (a.k.a. "The Mad Bomber").

The "Taxpayer Tornadoes" will wear green dollar bill tights to highlight the $5 billion Treasurer Patterson has lost over the past three years by failing to achieve even an average return in managing our state's retirement assets.

"Using these creative dollar bill tights, we can demonstrate most of that $5 billion loss on Jakie's right butt cheek alone," Shealy told FITS.

Shealy also intimated that T-Rav's Tornadoes were likely to use Eckstrom as a projectile and not an actual wrestler in the cage match.

"Me and Jakie will probably end up just winding back and throwing Richard at 'em," Shealy said. "He'll probably take out Grady and Rainey in one throw, and then we'll just let T-Rav pound away on Bud while holding Gillespie in a figure-four-point-nine billion taxpayer leglock."

Refereeing the cage match will be Greenville News Columnist Dan Hoover, who has been covering the recent Rainey-instigated spat extensively.

"I'm going to insist on a clean match," Hoover said. "No biting, no punching below the belt, no gouging and in Mr. Patterson's case, no falling asleep and drooling on his opponents."

Tickets for the cage match will be available starting tomorrow morning here on FITS ...

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG- FRIGGIN HILARIOUS FITS!!!!

1:28 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

projectile eckstrom is funny

1:50 PM

 
Blogger STR said...

pretty funny stuff!

2:27 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Using these creative dollar bill tights, we can demonstrate most of that $5 billion loss on Jakie's right butt cheek alone," Shealy told FITS.

Jakie's right butt cheek has been dragging this state down for too long.

3:54 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wilbur- I thought throwing people into things was your specialty? Or has your recent conversion to homosexuality and not drinking "mellowed" you out?

3:55 PM

 
Anonymous the willflowers said...

Took ya long 'nough Anon. Dips#*t.

GREAT post Willamina

4:21 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's Trav Robertson in this fray?

6:26 PM

 
Blogger MaskedMedia said...

The "Triple-A Losers" will wear seersucker tights in honor of Rainey.

With "Depends" or "Oops, I Crapped My Pants" undergarments clearly showing beneath Grady's tights.

6:29 PM

 
Anonymous abc said...

anon,

He's in the ring, posing as Grady.

7:30 PM

 
Anonymous abc said...

Ravenel said, "He did have a point there. If you take out the Eckstrom years, it's worse."

7:46 PM

 

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