Friday, September 08, 2006

Grady Issues Additional Debate Demands

State Treasurer Grady Patterson today released a list of additional demands which must be met before the 83-year old agrees to debate Republican nominee Thomas Ravenel:

-Ravenel must pledge to serve 36 of the next 40 years as State Treasurer.

-Ravenel must jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton.

-Ravenel must promise to carry a cane to debate. Editor's note: This may not be so so far-fetched from a guy who once said "that's how I roll." Possible Huggy Bear suit and Derby lid, too.

-Ravenel must submit to Patterson an essay on his fondest Lawrence Welk memory.

-Ravenel must pledge to rename the Arthur Ravenel, Jr., bridge in Charleston after Patterson's imaginary friend, Frumpy.

-Ravenel must hit the deck and give Patterson fifty pushups.

-Ravenel must disavow his belief in silly things like the free market economy, tax cuts, spending limitations and government restructuring and promise to continue running the state's finances into the ground.

-Ravenel must agree to not exceed Patterson's most recent three-year investment record of 77% below the national median return.

-Ravenel must promise to fall asleep at least five times during any televised debate and accidentally fart without knowing it.

-Ravenel must pledge to learn all the lyrics to the song "I Want to Be an Air Force Ranger" and sing it prior to answering any questions during televised debates.


Anonymous Willie said...

Now Will, I know all of you little neo-cons love to play soldier on your keyboards. And I know that actually enlisting and fighting our nation's wars never seems to occur to any of you. But, COME ON. It'S AIRBORNE RANGER as in

"I want to be an Airborne Ranger. I want to live a life of Danger"

AIR FORCE RANGER? What is that? It must be what you call 40 something plantation owning dilletantes who sign up for AF Reserves hoping it will help them get elected Governor.

5:47 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Dearest Willie,

First of all ... love the name. Maybe it's just something about that Johnny Cash song ("Cocaine Blues") but anyway ...

Congratulations are in order, though, because this is actually a first, or as our detractors would say, an admitted first at any rate.

You see, usually it's us here at FITS doing the "serving," but we've really got to hand it to our boy Willie on this one.

That's right, you heard it here first: We got served on this one.

It is indeed Airborne, not Air Force Ranger, and Crash Davis would have a field day ragging on us were he a real person.

And the fact that this item was actually the least funny of all the new Grady-mands only makes the pill that much bitter(er) to swallow.

As for the allegations you make regarding the governor's military service, Sanford actually spent months agonizing over whether or not to enlist and follow through on a commitment he'd made well prior to his decision to run for the Governor's Office.

The reason he struggled with the decision was that he didn't want his service to look political, in fact he went to extraordinary lengths to keep it under a tight lid during the 2002 campaign.

That's why the man got - and continues to get - props in our book for keeping his word even when he knew politcally-motivated hacks (albeit intelligent and well-christened ones such as yourself) would try and rip him a new one for it after the fact.

He made a commitment, and even though it was politically inexpedient to keep it, he kept it nonetheless.

In case you've missed it, Willie, we've been quite critical of the governor lately - particularly as it relates to his frequently boneheaded campaign - but this is one subject we'll defend him on to the hilt.

You just can't accuse someone of using something to get elected governor (particularly when you weren't there) when that same someone went so far as to call the editors of the paper who originally published the story in attempt to convince them not to run it.

So yes, you did serve us, but we served you back a little bit.

Look forward to your continued commentary and lyrical policing of this site.


8:48 PM

Blogger Martin Guerre said...

Here is another Military Cadence song that you might like to sing Willie...

"If I die on the Russian Front; bury me in a Russian...opps, never mind.

(Rhymes with blunt or some other word like that)

L'amour et la guerre est le sujet de beaucoup de po├ęsies et chansons et la source de beaucoup d'ennui.

Martin/aka Pansette

9:41 PM

Anonymous Curious said...

You wrote that "Sanford actually spent months agonizing over whether or not to enlist and follow through on a commitment he'd made well prior to his decision to run for the Governor's Office."

To whom did Sanford make this commitment to serve? To himself? To his post-gubernatorial political aspirations?

As Governor of South Carolina, is Sanford's top priority serving citizens of this state, or is it gratifying his alter ego?

10:12 PM

Blogger abc said...

"-Ravenel must jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton."

Now that's funny!

11:24 PM


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