Is Drew Theodore Really Prince Humperdinck?
Okay, okay, okay.
It's really only funny if you're five years old or happen to be a huge fan of The Princess Bride.
But since we happen to fall into both categories, indulge us for just a moment by closing your eyes and imagining Comptroller General Richard Eckstrom in place of actor Cary Elwes, sprawled out on Princess Buttercup's bed delivering the famous "To The Pain" speech to Mr. Theodore.
Better yet, imagine it taking place on a WIS-TV soundstage with anchor David Stanton moderating during a live televised debate:
DAVID STANTON: Our next question comes from a viewer. Bobby Sue from West Columbia. Bobby Sue wants to know, what does "to the pain" mean? Hmmm. Good question, Bobbie Sue. General Eckstrom, would you like to be the first to tackle that one?
GENERAL ECKSTROM: I'd be more than happy to, David. "To the pain," Drew, means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
DREW THEODORE: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
GENERAL ECKSTROM: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . . .
DREW THEODORE: And, then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.
GENERAL ECKSTROM: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.
DAVID STANTON: Alright, well that's all the time we have for tonight gentlemen, I'd like to thank you both for participating in our debate.