BEA Fax Machine Attacks Rainey
Liberal BEA Chairman John Rainey was treated for minor head injuries this morning after a fax machine in his office unplugged itself from the wall and began attacking him.
"I am relieved it was not one of those fax machines with the phone and the cord attached or I guarantee you I would not be speaking with you here today," the Seersucker Kingfish told FITS. "That monstrosity reared its head and came at me with clear generational chauvinism and malicious intent in its eyes."
Rainey, who suffered some minor bruises and a slight concussion during the incident, nonetheless appeared not to have had any sense knocked into him.
"I will continue to inaccurately estimate our state revenues by hundreds of millions of dollars so as to reduce the likelihood of income tax relief for working South Carolinians," he said. "This unprovoked attack against me will not deter my efforts on behalf of larger, more wasteful and less efficient government."
The BEA fax machine is currently being held in the Will Folks Wing (maximum security area) of the Alvin Glenn Detention Center outside of Columbia.
"The fax machine isn't talking but we've been able to uncover evidence that suggests a massive conspiracy may exist among the various office supplies over at the BEA," said SLED spokesman Carlos Perezifino. "According to eyewitnesses, several blank pages of BEA stationary attempted to inflict paper cuts on Mr. Rainey just prior to the fax machine's alleged assault."
Rainey, who is seemingly pumping out at least one multi-page fax assault against GOP Treasurer nominee Thomas Ravenel per day lately, denied that his office supplies are rebelling because they have had enough of his publicity-seeking histrionics.
"This is math class," Rainey said. "And math class is dismissed when I say it is, not when my office supplies attempt to usurp my authority."