... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Friday, October 20, 2006

BEA Fax Machine Attacks Rainey

Liberal BEA Chairman John Rainey was treated for minor head injuries this morning after a fax machine in his office unplugged itself from the wall and began attacking him.

"I am relieved it was not one of those fax machines with the phone and the cord attached or I guarantee you I would not be speaking with you here today," the Seersucker Kingfish told FITS. "That monstrosity reared its head and came at me with clear generational chauvinism and malicious intent in its eyes."

Rainey, who suffered some minor bruises and a slight concussion during the incident, nonetheless appeared not to have had any sense knocked into him.

"I will continue to inaccurately estimate our state revenues by hundreds of millions of dollars so as to reduce the likelihood of income tax relief for working South Carolinians," he said. "This unprovoked attack against me will not deter my efforts on behalf of larger, more wasteful and less efficient government."

The BEA fax machine is currently being held in the Will Folks Wing (maximum security area) of the Alvin Glenn Detention Center outside of Columbia.

"The fax machine isn't talking but we've been able to uncover evidence that suggests a massive conspiracy may exist among the various office supplies over at the BEA," said SLED spokesman Carlos Perezifino. "According to eyewitnesses, several blank pages of BEA stationary attempted to inflict paper cuts on Mr. Rainey just prior to the fax machine's alleged assault."

Rainey, who is seemingly pumping out at least one multi-page fax assault against GOP Treasurer nominee Thomas Ravenel per day lately, denied that his office supplies are rebelling because they have had enough of his publicity-seeking histrionics.

"This is math class," Rainey said. "And math class is dismissed when I say it is, not when my office supplies attempt to usurp my authority."

6 Comments:

Blogger Bill Smith said...

"I am relieved it was not one of those fax machines with the phone and the cord attached or I guarantee you I would not be speaking with you here today," the Seersucker Kingfish told FITS. "That monstrosity reared its head and came at me with clear generational chauvinism and malicious intent in its eyes."

Would it be unkind to wish that the fax machine did have the phone and cord attached?

I swear to god John Rainey will not be happy until he has taxed me out of my last nickel. He's got a big surprise coming: instead of the poor house, I'm bunking at his mansion.

10:42 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okWho in the hell is this Roger Rabbit Rainey man?

Thomas is a big boy and can take care of himself...so he does not need me to help. But who in the hell (yes, I used that word twice) is this fool? I just read his letter that SC hotline has linked too...and man how I wished I had paid attention in Psyche class...as this clown should be easily diagnosable to any shrink or well trained bar maid.

Narcissist. Paranoid. Pointy Headed. Delusional. Bad skin….and more, but I don’t wanna get personal.

In any event, Thomas has gotta learn that one is known by ones enemies. This guy Rainey is a twit (English type, not American)…and Thomas should cast a larger net for a nemesis…that little pond Rainey came from was actually a sewage creek.


Chris

3:29 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a boil once. It was not on my butt...but somehow, if it had been there, I suspect it would look, sound and feel like John Rainey.

He seems to be in the dripping and oozing phase, as well as the letter writing phase. It would be more pleasant for everyone if he just stayed in the dripping and oozing...the letters are really very painful.

Bryan

3:39 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awright, who spiked the Geritol with LSD?

5:36 PM

 
Anonymous abc said...

o yea! needed that laugh. thnx

6:40 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi-larious, William.

6:07 PM

 

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