The Best Thing About Getting a Joe Wilson Keychain, Etc.
What's the best thing about getting one of U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson's ubiquitous keychains?
Getting your hands on one without having to encounter U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson.
Long revered as a sacred relic of South Carolina politics, the Wilson keychain endows its bearer with supernatural powers, inestimable prestige and a mystical infusion of the Congressman's transcendental, metaphysical wisdom.
The keychain is also a status symbol - denoting that its recipient has scaled the seemingly interminable ladder of importance and sashayed him or herself past the velvet rope of influence that surrounds Rep. Wilson wherever he goes.
Many dream of touching greatness, of finding themselves in such close proximity to the fount of all knowledge and understanding, but without the Wilson keychain they are little more than camels attempting to thread the eye of a needle.
Like the lamb's blood painted over the dwellings of the Israelites, or Ralph Lauren Madras pants at the Carolina Cup, Joe Wilson's keychain is a talisman of destiny.
It is in fact "The Sign" of which Ace of Base spoke, and could very well have been the driving force behind Chicago's 1984 hit "You're the Inspiration," particularly when one considers the keychain's dominion over the space-time continuum.
Think about it: "You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life, you're the inspiration."
Based on these lyrics, what else could the song have been referring to other than a Joe Wilson keychain?
"JACKIE O" COOL
The FITS girls were eagerly devouring our Blended Venti Mocha Frappucinos (with the chocolate drizzle) at the local Starbucks this morning when we happened upon one of our favorite people in the whole world, petroleum lobbyist Kay Clamp.
We knew it was her because, as usual, for a split-second we thought that Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis had come back to life and decided to pay a visit to Columbia, S.C.
Seriously girls, you can dream of growing up to be this classy, cool and stylish, but don't count on it.
Kay Clamp is a trendsetter. She could wear RUN-DMC Addidas shoes to the State House lobby next January and every female lobbyist would show up the next day with a pair of their own.
Plus she knows who John Mayer is, which we find exceedingly hot, and she even knew that his new album is called "Continuum" (inspired by the Joe Wilson keychain, no doubt).
The race to replace John Graham Altman in House District 119 is going to go down to the wire. Polls leaked to FITS show Republican Suzanne Piper with a slight lead, but we have also learned that Democrat Leon Stravinakis is planning to drop some serious dollars on television advertising.
FITS has also learned that Stravinakis (whose name sounds an awful lot like an expensive violin) is not a violin player.
More importantly to the outcome of this hotly-contested race, we are looking into reports that John Graham's amazing wife Charm may have been named after ... you guessed it ... a Joe Wilson keychain.