Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Best Thing About Getting a Joe Wilson Keychain, Etc.

What's the best thing about getting one of U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson's ubiquitous keychains?

Getting your hands on one without having to encounter U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson.

Long revered as a sacred relic of South Carolina politics, the Wilson keychain endows its bearer with supernatural powers, inestimable prestige and a mystical infusion of the Congressman's transcendental, metaphysical wisdom.

The keychain is also a status symbol - denoting that its recipient has scaled the seemingly interminable ladder of importance and sashayed him or herself past the velvet rope of influence that surrounds Rep. Wilson wherever he goes.

Many dream of touching greatness, of finding themselves in such close proximity to the fount of all knowledge and understanding, but without the Wilson keychain they are little more than camels attempting to thread the eye of a needle.

Like the lamb's blood painted over the dwellings of the Israelites, or Ralph Lauren Madras pants at the Carolina Cup, Joe Wilson's keychain is a talisman of destiny.

It is in fact "The Sign" of which Ace of Base spoke, and could very well have been the driving force behind Chicago's 1984 hit "You're the Inspiration," particularly when one considers the keychain's dominion over the space-time continuum.

Think about it: "You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life, you're the inspiration."

Based on these lyrics, what else could the song have been referring to other than a Joe Wilson keychain?


The FITS girls were eagerly devouring our Blended Venti Mocha Frappucinos (with the chocolate drizzle) at the local Starbucks this morning when we happened upon one of our favorite people in the whole world, petroleum lobbyist Kay Clamp.

We knew it was her because, as usual, for a split-second we thought that Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis had come back to life and decided to pay a visit to Columbia, S.C.

Seriously girls, you can dream of growing up to be this classy, cool and stylish, but don't count on it.

Kay Clamp is a trendsetter. She could wear RUN-DMC Addidas shoes to the State House lobby next January and every female lobbyist would show up the next day with a pair of their own.

Plus she knows who John Mayer is, which we find exceedingly hot, and she even knew that his new album is called "Continuum" (inspired by the Joe Wilson keychain, no doubt).


The race to replace John Graham Altman in House District 119 is going to go down to the wire. Polls leaked to FITS show Republican Suzanne Piper with a slight lead, but we have also learned that Democrat Leon Stravinakis is planning to drop some serious dollars on television advertising.

FITS has also learned that Stravinakis (whose name sounds an awful lot like an expensive violin) is not a violin player.

More importantly to the outcome of this hotly-contested race, we are looking into reports that John Graham's amazing wife Charm may have been named after ... you guessed it ... a Joe Wilson keychain.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You htink having to interact with Joe is bad? I had to put up with Roxanne Wilson to get my keychain...

3:11 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get the point of this bush league bush whacking of Joe. Like him, or hate him...he works all the time...and so what if he gives key chains out?

I am a fan of pointless. This is less than pointless. This is pansy ass pointless.

3:53 PM

Anonymous abc said...

Now, THAT was kinda uncalled for and all!

7:34 PM

Anonymous TR said...

my grandfather actually has a ashtray from some congressman from the 70's, I believe Sen. Thurmond was the original keychain peddler

8:10 PM

Blogger Palmetto Republican said...

I feel specail...I have one!

8:15 PM

Anonymous west_rhino said...

On the house 119 track, seeing the leftist spin on the NRA-ILA rating, I've noticed that while Leon gave them answers that graded out as an A, he dosen't bear their endorsement as the top of the GOP ticket goes.

And yes, Miss Charm is just that, one of my favorite transplants to the low country.

10:08 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will, are you on Ellisor's payroll too?

10:23 PM

Anonymous abc said...

BTW, I wz referring to anon1 and the comment regarding Joe Wilson's wife.

10:29 PM

Blogger Statesman said...

I feel shortchanged! I was at the Batesburg-Leesville Chamber of Commerce After Hours tonight. Cong. Wilson and his Dist. Manager gave me two business cards, not a key chain! This is after Mr. Wilson let a glass of Sangria slip through is hands and hit the floor. My shoes and pants got soaked and still no key chain!

10:51 PM

Blogger merrymacsc said...

Not only do I have a Joe Wilson key chain, I still have a couple of Strom Thurmond key chains. Sorry but the key chain idea is not original to Joe; he borrowed from the master of constituent service.

6:21 AM

Blogger Mike Reino said...

This might be a little potato po-tah-to, but isn't it Stavrinakis? And yes, Charm Altman rules!!

8:33 AM

Anonymous F Furter said...

So come clean Miss Wil, did you get a Joe Wilson emery board for your nails?

9:11 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would just like to note, for really no purpose other than it entertains me, that John Graham Altman's wife enjoys to dress the plastic pink flamingos in their front yard. Sometimes the flamingos even wear wigs.

9:39 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before I met Joe I had no chains for my keys. My keys just kinda floated around often getting lost in the process. On time I got locked out of my house and car on the same cold winter night and nearly died from exposure. Then Congressman Wilson came and today I have all my keys on the same Joe Wilson key chain. Whoever said Congress doesn't have a postive impact on society needs to look no further than Joe Wilson

11:49 AM

Anonymous Heffalump said...

anon, I have been privleged to chaperone one of Charm's flamingo's (Velveta Rae) to DC a few years back. Understand that those birds are well travelled, though we had to get Velveta's picture by the White House before HIlary's broom wnet by and before ACT UP butted heads with PETA over animal research on the Mall...

1:13 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have enough to stock Cong. Wilson himself for 2 more years.

8:24 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

why does he have to talk so much about himself???? Whatever happened to the statesman in politics???

3:34 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home