Monday, October 30, 2006

"Generalissimo" McMaster

South Carolina Attorney General Henry McMaster quietly overthrew state government earlier today, declaring martial law throughout all 46 counties and installing his English Bulldog, Barnwell Junior, as the state's "puppet governor."

Running unopposed for reelection as Attorney General in both the June GOP primary and November general elections, the popular McMaster succeeded in siezing control of the legislative, executive and judicial branches of state government in a bloodless coup precipitated by voter apathy and his own internal inertia.

"With no campaign to run, Henry just got bored," McMaster spokesman Trey Walker told FITS. "And this is what happens when Henry gets bored."

At a hastily-arranged ceremony in the upper lobby of the South Carolina State House, McMaster's bulldog was sworn in by Chief Justice Jean H. Toal seconds prior to to affixing his paw print on an emergency decree that transferred all state power to the AG's office.

The bulldog then drooled on a WIS-TV microphone, bit State newspaper reporter Aaron Gould Sheinin on the buttocks and went "No. 2" on the carpet outside of the State House of Representatives chamber.

McMaster, who gave himself the title "Generalissimo," was unavailable for comment, but allowed himself to be photographed alongside Barnwell Junior on a reviewing stand as a parade of tanks and soldiers passed by on nearby Gervais Street.

"Viva Nacho Libre!" McMaster shouted as he saluted the passing troops.

"Viva La Generalissimo!" Shouted the troops in reply.

Walker said McMaster would permit the November 7 elections to continue, but that the emergency decree would remain in place no matter which party triumphed.

"Los Ejercitos, C'est Henry," Walker said.

UPDATE - AG Deputy Communications Director Mark Plowden now tells FITS the entire takeover was a "Trick-or-Treat" joke.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


5:36 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are some things in life that are a given…

Cracker Barrel and Black Folk just can’t get along,

Lauin Manning’s career in law will certainly include a stint as legal advisor to the Spartanburg Lesbian Agricultural Society Headquarters, (SLASH),

Robert Barber is better at shucking oysters and cock fighting than getting votes,

Richard Eckstom and Cindy Ross Scoppe are slipping and sliding around in cheap Red Roof Inn, NOT,

Tommy Moore’s wife or sister-in-law will not be burdened with picking out drapes or wallpapers for the mansion in Columbia,

Howard Rich will not be getting the The State Newspaper’s Man of the Year Award.

And Atty General Henry McMaster will overplay his hand …

5:55 PM

Anonymous alex said...


That would be so cool if HMac did that! I can see him now!

9:58 PM

Anonymous Chevy said...

This just in, Generalissimo Francisco Franco still dead. I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

9:53 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If we let Henry rule South Carolina like a dictator, all of our problems will go away. Viva McMaster!

11:30 AM

Blogger Earl Capps said...

What ever happened to Ferris McMaster?

3:05 PM


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