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Monday, October 09, 2006

Post Office Considering Boycott of John Rainey

The United States Postal Service (USPS) is considering a boycott of South Carolina "Blowhard-in-Chief" John Rainey, telling FITS this afternoon that the sheer volume of mail being produced by the "Seersucker Kingfish" is placing an unnecessary strain on the agency's ability to fulfill its mission to the taxpayers.

"You want to talk about people going postal?" said USPS spokesman Jonathan Eastwood. "We're getting to that point with Mr. Rainey."

The Postal Boycott could be a huge blow for Rainey, who is not proficient at using e-mail and has difficulty properly operating fax machines.

"It is the essence of generational chauvinism to accuse me in such a naked manner," Rainey reacted angrily when asked whether or not he knew how to operate electronic mail. "This is science class. I was here when electricity was invented, young lady."

Rainey, who has bombarded GOP Treasurer nominee Thomas Ravenel with letter after letter over the past few weeks, has faded into obscurity recently, prompting him to unleash additional anti-Ravenel rhetoric on unsuspecting individuals like the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, the governor's press secretary, or the maid at his Colorado home.

"This seersucker is not pressed to my satisfaction!" Rainey was reported to have bellowed recently to his maid. "And did I mention that Thomas Ravenel is unfit for public office?"

With the media no longer publishing his rants, Rainey has become dependent on the Postal Service as the primary outlet for his increasingly impotent rage. A boycott could severely hamper his ability to communicate with the outside world, perhaps even forcing him to learn how to use a computer.

Rainey dismissed the likelihood of a boycott, and said there was "a perfectly logical explanation" for the criticism.

"The first Postmaster General was appointed on September 26, 1789," Rainey said. "Precisely one hundred and eighty five years later, Will Folks was born. This proves conclusively that South Carolina's investments are performing exactly as they should be under Treasurer Grady Patterson and that Thomas Ravenel, not I, is the one who is nuts."

Rainey added that he would sue anyone, anywhere who disagreed with his assessment, including the Post Office.

3 Comments:

Anonymous abc said...

OMG. I'm laughing so hard!

10:01 PM

 
Anonymous west_rhino said...

When should we schedule a colonoscopic for the sneersucker kingfissure? I wonder if he's a bit impacted.

11:14 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wil, the Kingfish needs someone to find him some "E series" postage stamps so he can "E mail" "that dilletante"...

9:42 AM

 

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