Free Parking in 5 Points? Thanks, But No Thanks
In an effort to drum up business and get a little good Christmas-time PR, the City of Columbia is offering free parking in Five Points through the holidays.
So in the event you and your children have never strolled through the Demilitarized Zone in Korea, gone spelunking in Tora Bora or surfed the Tsunami in Sri Lanka, here's your chance.
Free parking through the holidays? Are you kidding us? That's all we residents of downtown Columbia get for eons worth of traffic-snarling, business-crippling, vehicle-dinging construction?
They could have offered free parking thru 2097 and it wouldn't come close to making up for this massive inconvenience - which by the way has yet to run its course.
Five Points is a war zone - the construction area that time forgot.
Don't take our word for it, though.
Drive through Five Points yourself - after ten minutes you'll come out on the other side (two blocks away) wondering a) if your therapist has an opening later that afternoon, b) if you still have a job, c) if it's too late to start smoking again and d) how in the hell did Bob Coble ever get reelected Mayor of Columbia with such an unmitigated disaster on his hands?
And driving through the clusterf--k is just half the battle. God forbid you actually need to get out and do anything.
Getting a Blended Venti Mocha Frappuncino (with the chocolate drizzle) from the Five Points' Starbucks is like trying to extract a Somali Warlord from his downtown Mogadishu hideaway (think Blackhawk Down). Just turning into the Harper's parking lot for nice lunch is like trying to establish a friggin' beachhead in Normandy. Window-shopping on Saluda Street? Try navigating your way through Kristallnacht - and don't even think about doing it in three-inch heels.
Free parking through the holidays? Come on Mayor Bob.
It's going to take a little more than that ...