... IRREVERENCE, INSTITUTIONALIZED ...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Free Parking in 5 Points? Thanks, But No Thanks

In an effort to drum up business and get a little good Christmas-time PR, the City of Columbia is offering free parking in Five Points through the holidays.

So in the event you and your children have never strolled through the Demilitarized Zone in Korea, gone spelunking in Tora Bora or surfed the Tsunami in Sri Lanka, here's your chance.

Free parking through the holidays? Are you kidding us? That's all we residents of downtown Columbia get for eons worth of traffic-snarling, business-crippling, vehicle-dinging construction?

They could have offered free parking thru 2097 and it wouldn't come close to making up for this massive inconvenience - which by the way has yet to run its course.

Five Points is a war zone - the construction area that time forgot.

Don't take our word for it, though.

Drive through Five Points yourself - after ten minutes you'll come out on the other side (two blocks away) wondering a) if your therapist has an opening later that afternoon, b) if you still have a job, c) if it's too late to start smoking again and d) how in the hell did Bob Coble ever get reelected Mayor of Columbia with such an unmitigated disaster on his hands?

And driving through the clusterf--k is just half the battle. God forbid you actually need to get out and do anything.

Getting a Blended Venti Mocha Frappuncino (with the chocolate drizzle) from the Five Points' Starbucks is like trying to extract a Somali Warlord from his downtown Mogadishu hideaway (think Blackhawk Down). Just turning into the Harper's parking lot for nice lunch is like trying to establish a friggin' beachhead in Normandy. Window-shopping on Saluda Street? Try navigating your way through Kristallnacht - and don't even think about doing it in three-inch heels.

Free parking through the holidays? Come on Mayor Bob.

It's going to take a little more than that ...

9 Comments:

Blogger Sunny Philips said...

Testify, William!

I used to love shopping in Five Points then grabbing a bite to eat at Gourmet Shop before shopping some more.

I haven't shopped there in two years. Its hard enough to run into Groucho's to grab a salad and sweet tea (with the pellet ice) much less to meander through all the cones and hazard tape plastered EVERYWHERE.

Down with Mayor Bob and Charles Austin, too. And while we're on the subject, meters in 5Pts. stink!

8:33 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what happens when you have a bunch of incompetent, no talent, ass clowns running the city.

And don't evn get me started on the homeless shelter in the Vista.

11:37 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are using a tragic event in Jewish history for a punch line. Krystallnacht was the spark of hate that ignited the Holocaust, resulting in the deaths of over 6 million Jews.

Please choose your jokes more carefully in the future. Anti-Semitism is never funny.

11:41 AM

 
Blogger faithinsound said...

Dear Anon,

Please accept our apology for causing offense. We certainly did not mean to upset anyone and are sorry we did. In retrospect, we should have gone with the Annie Lennox "Walking on Broken Glass" analogy.

-FITS

11:50 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah my friend, my friend, my dear.... Andys never charged for parking and in my Columbia daze, I don't recall ever having to feed a meter while at Goatfeathers or Group Therapy. Granted it is the war zone that caused one Thurmond's untimely demise and only a very segregated dividing line seems either to have kept crime figures hidden or actually ketp crime down. Supposing that the Valley Park area has become more the chic, unique fixer upper opportunity real estate area, wiht an eye on revenue enhancement, who long 'ere metered bicycle parking shows up on the streets?

12:01 PM

 
Blogger SCPolitico said...

It is sad to see the demise of our beloved five points, seems we care more about the homeless than the businesses paying the taxes that house, cloth and feed them, bravo Mayor Bob!

But do give the mayor some credit; at least the former successful business owners will have a place to sleep...js

4:25 PM

 
Anonymous skinny said...

i LOVE the chocolate drizzle

fo shizzle

11:28 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy cow, seems Sewell is getting in the holiday spirit early. Absolutely heartwarming.

12:52 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be less competent than Katon Dawson, but Bob Coble may have pulled off what some call "the hardest trick in SC politics."

4:30 PM

 

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