Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Sanford's Lack of Balls Infuriates Legislators

For the second time, Gov. Mark Sanford has infuriated State Legislators by refusing to show them his balls.

The governor announced today that his 2007 reinauguration - like his 2003 inauguration - would feature another barbecue at the State Farmer's Market in place of the traditional black-tie Inaugural Balls favored by his predecessors.

Sanford, who promised angry Republicans in 2003 that he would hold a formal, Inaugural ball if he was reelected to a second term, was greeted by a storm of criticism from lawmakers in the wake of his announcement.

"He told us he would not surprise us and he told us we would have a ball at the second inaugural," said House Ways & Means Chairman Dan "Egg-Tooth" Cooper. "Four years later, all he's done is surprise us and today we find out we won't be seeing any balls from this governor."

"Gov. Sanford's lack of balls is truly astounding," said Mayor of Importantville Bobby Harrell. "We have some philosophical disagreements to be sure, but I've never seen such an absence of balls in my life."

"Screw him," said State Sen. Jakie Knotts (R-Lexington), who endorsed Sanford's opponent Tommy Moore in the general election. "I think I speak for a majority of us in the Legislature in saying I didn't want to see his goddamn balls anyway."

The governor argued that an Inaugural ball would be inappropriate given the fact that state spending in South Carolina continues to far outpace the growth in population and inflation.

"I would simply say this - at the end of the day, when you look at the numbers, what you end up with is a beta that's ultimately unacceptable when it comes to contemplating the notion of holding an Inaugural Ball," Sanford said. "I've said throughout my time in public life that keeping South Carolina home to mine and Jenny's four little boys - and frankly a lot of other kids and grandkids that are out there - starts with the notion of change, even when it comes to our own balls."

"As much as it may from time to time disappoint some folks whose intentions are ultimately good, the ball we've consistently been advancing from day one as an administration has been the ball of change," Sanford said.

"Holy hell, dude, we get it already, you're trying to look like a populist everybody can relate to, again," said House Majority Leader Jimmy Merrill. "What's new?"

No word on whether or not Pork and Barrel would be making an appearance at Sanford's second Inaugural BBQ.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

4 years ago Andre ahd a formal ball...and it was a BALL!!

So let Sanford have hs BBQ... I loved the last one.

But let Andre have his BALL...and belive me...I will be there...an will love it!

7:00 PM

Anonymous Silence Dogood said...

Just because you dress balls up doesn't mean they will be any better than if they were dripping with Bar-B-Que sauce. Some people don't even like balls, having them, being there whatever. After all the balls are the governors, and while I disagree with Sandford on much I think he, and any governor, should do whatever makes them most comfortable with their own balls. Especially if they are lucky enough to have two. While Moore's balls may have been bigger, can anyone honestly say if they would have been better?

9:06 PM

Blogger Earl Capps said...

Well I'm upper upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I've got
The biggest balls of all

I've got big balls
I've got big balls
They're such big balls
And they're dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody cums and cums again
If your name is on the guest list
No one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got
Great balls of fire

I've got big balls
Oh I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like best
My balls are always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night

10:25 PM

Blogger Earl Capps said...

pork and barrel didn't make it past the first one ... mighty tasty, i might add.

10:25 PM

Blogger faithinsound said...

Wow. Earl. Really. You're pushing the "we publish everything" concept to the limit here, friend.

11:20 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

First we hear about the governor's man date, now you guys are talking about his balls. Starting to get just a little creeped out here...

7:57 AM

Anonymous heffalump said...

Miss Wil did you miss this one or are you not on the invite list?

Press Release: SCGOP Announces the 2007 Inaugural Ball

12:07 PM

Anonymous west_rhino said...

Do I smell napthalene?

1:58 PM


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