Sanford's Lack of Balls Infuriates Legislators
For the second time, Gov. Mark Sanford has infuriated State Legislators by refusing to show them his balls.
The governor announced today that his 2007 reinauguration - like his 2003 inauguration - would feature another barbecue at the State Farmer's Market in place of the traditional black-tie Inaugural Balls favored by his predecessors.
Sanford, who promised angry Republicans in 2003 that he would hold a formal, Inaugural ball if he was reelected to a second term, was greeted by a storm of criticism from lawmakers in the wake of his announcement.
"He told us he would not surprise us and he told us we would have a ball at the second inaugural," said House Ways & Means Chairman Dan "Egg-Tooth" Cooper. "Four years later, all he's done is surprise us and today we find out we won't be seeing any balls from this governor."
"Gov. Sanford's lack of balls is truly astounding," said Mayor of Importantville Bobby Harrell. "We have some philosophical disagreements to be sure, but I've never seen such an absence of balls in my life."
"Screw him," said State Sen. Jakie Knotts (R-Lexington), who endorsed Sanford's opponent Tommy Moore in the general election. "I think I speak for a majority of us in the Legislature in saying I didn't want to see his goddamn balls anyway."
The governor argued that an Inaugural ball would be inappropriate given the fact that state spending in South Carolina continues to far outpace the growth in population and inflation.
"I would simply say this - at the end of the day, when you look at the numbers, what you end up with is a beta that's ultimately unacceptable when it comes to contemplating the notion of holding an Inaugural Ball," Sanford said. "I've said throughout my time in public life that keeping South Carolina home to mine and Jenny's four little boys - and frankly a lot of other kids and grandkids that are out there - starts with the notion of change, even when it comes to our own balls."
"As much as it may from time to time disappoint some folks whose intentions are ultimately good, the ball we've consistently been advancing from day one as an administration has been the ball of change," Sanford said.
"Holy hell, dude, we get it already, you're trying to look like a populist everybody can relate to, again," said House Majority Leader Jimmy Merrill. "What's new?"
No word on whether or not Pork and Barrel would be making an appearance at Sanford's second Inaugural BBQ.